#1: Where have you been, I’ve been texting you?
I was staring at your picture, I must have lost track of time
#2: When she is mad at you or complains about you
I love it when you yell at me. it makes me like you more!
#3: Her: I want to take things slow , I’ll let you know when I’m ready
Do you think you could you let me know by the year 2040, I don’t want to rush you
#4: Are you mad?
I’m actually way too happy with you. Can start doing something wrong?
#5: Her: Why didn’t you respond to my text immediately!
Because I love it when you dominate me
#6: I wouldn’t date you if you were the last man on earth
What if I had access to all the coconuts?
#7: Her: You are always busy, I feel like you have no time for me anymore
I was just writing you a love poem
#8: I was wondering when you are you coming home
I’ll be coming around the mountain when I come
#9: What are you up to?
I’m kicking ass and taking names! What’s your name?
#10 I’m not sure if I want to be dating anyone right now
Does that mean I have to tell mom we’re NOT getting married?
#11: You looked so hot last light (or when she gives you any compliment)
Use me, use me… cause I ain’t the average groupie
#12: When she yells at you, is mad at you, or frustrated with you
Be gentle with me…. my safe word is “AYE PAPI”
#13: Her: but you always let me do that in that past and never cared
Yeah, I know….but I’m even better looking now
#14: When she tries to ignore or ghost you
Hello….McFly? (anyone home McFly?) ….you’re gonna do my homework right McFly?
Um, hello Bjorn here!
singing voice note: baby come back, you can blame it all on me!
#15: Who is this?
It’s Brittany Bitch!
#16 How’s it going? (Boring message)
It’s all good… in my hooood, tonight!
#17 Why don’t you answer your phone?
I’m a very shy guy, I don’t want to pressure you
#18: The weather has been crazy. How did you guys make out in the storm?
It’s raining men……Hallelujah!
#19. I’m going to kiss you all over
I charge extra for that
#20: When She’s Mad: You just expect me to drop everything and come see you, it doesn’t work like that
No Mr. Bond …..I expect you to die
#21: After glow message: Thank you I had a lot of fun
I haaad…. the time of life….. and I owe it all to you! (good song, look it up)
#22: I Love You
What’s not to love
#23: Are you dating any other women besides me?
Do stalkers count?
#24: When she compliments you or gets mushy
So, what else is great about me? ….tell me more. hold on I’m getting some popcorn
#25: So what else do I need to know about you?
John Stamos is my “spirit animal”
#26. What do you do for work?
Aren’t good looks enough?
#27: Your social media posts are so inspirational
thanks, GOD follows me on IG
#28: She compliments your looks
Ugh….Why won’t women ever love me for my beautiful mind?
#29 Wait, why do you hate texting?
Because I want you to LONG for me. Have you ever really LONGED for someone. It’s quite fun.
#30: How has your weekend been going?
My weekend has been totally MINT (….mint was a cool word in the 80s and they hired me to bring it back)
#31: Have a great day!
Soar like a falcon today, I believe in you!
#32: She compliments you
Go on…. I’m writing all of this down
#33: She is MAD or complains about you
I could just SPANK myself and save you the effort
#34: When she accuses of you of being afraid to “communicate” because you don’t text a lot
I prefer to communicate face to face so I can feel the person’s energy, I learned that from a monk I met in the woods
#35: BOYS NIGHT OUT
Her: what are you guys doing?
You: we’re having a pillow fight and talking about the girls we like…. top secret stuff!
#36: I don’t really appreciate you joking around with my dad about what time I had to leave to go home
Next time just whip me, I love to be dominated
#37: I miss you so much!
Keep a picture of me by your bed, I’ve heard it helps
#38: What are you doing tonight?
I came here tonight to do 2 things. Kick some ass and drink some beer. Looks like we’re almost out of beer
#39: Her: Are you mad at me?
Don’t worry, if I ever fall out of love you’ll be the first to know
#40: OMG, are you ever serious?
Let’s grab a drink Thurs at 8so I can introduce you to my serious side, I promise to never smile and only talk about world affairs!
#41: Where you been stranger?
I was writing you a love song and you interrupted me. Now I have to start all over, GOSH!!!
#42: I see you went with the casual look (testing you)
You’ve been checking me out huh?
#43: Let me know when you get home so that I know you are safe
When I text you the word “pumpernickle” you will know I made it home (that’s our secret code word)
#44: Hey no fair, I want more kisses!
I like to go slow. I want to make sure you aren’t using me for my luscious lips
#45. I got you a little surprise
Nice, I love to be SPOILED
#46: If you want to score points with me, remember, Nerds Candy is my love language
#47: I really enjoy spending time with you
JP Morgan just faxed over their congratulations, it said…. welcome to the club!
#48: What are you doing?
I’m hauling junk with college HUNKS!
#49: Where have you been?
volunteering for the turtle census. our motto is – every TURT will be counted!
#50: How’s your trip going?
I’m TRIPPIN’ BALLS!
#51: My friends have been telling me I should take time for myself and be alone
My friends keep telling me I should grow a handlebar mustache
#52: she comes on HEAVY and gets MUSHY with you
what else is great about me? let’s get to the good stuff!
#53 I’m picking you up Thursday at 8pm for drinks at Surf Club. My name is Chris and I approved this message
#54 She comes on to you sexually or sends a racy photo of herself
Please don’t take advantage of me, I’m very shy (be gentle)
#55. Okay, Mr. Mysterious, tell me something about yourself
The tickle me Elmo doll was based on me (true story)
#56. When she mentions an EX or another guy that hit on her
What ya man got to do with me? (I got a man) I ain’t tryin’ to hear that see!
#57: So I notice you’re NOT a big texter
I didn’t want to mention this, but I divorced my first 7 wives for texting too much
#58: Are you seeing anyone else besides me?
Just BIG Bertha. She’s 600 pounds, but she has so much love to give me
#59: What are your plans for this week?
I’m working on a top secret project: Code name: Rattlesnake (please don’t tell anyone)
#60: I’m not sure if I’m going to have time to date with final exams coming up
Would it change your thinking if you knew I was voted the #138th most eligible bachelor in the Boston area?
#61: I can’t wait to kiss you!
Every KISS begins with KAY!
#62: What are you doing?
I’m dunking on these 5th graders heads. (it’s too easy)
#63: Where do you see this relationship going?
We’re going to be one big happy family – you, me and my 9 wives up in Montana!
#64: When she compliments you
I’m the best around, no ones ever gonna bring me down!
#65: I don’t think I can wait a whole week to see you
You’re a tiger, you’re strong! I know you can do it
#66: I’m looking forward to tonight
I can’t stay out too late, my teddy bear gets jealous!
#67: When she sends a text complaining about work
I remember a time I knew what happiness was
Let the memory, live again!
#68: How do you feel about our relationship?
I can’t handle all of this happiness, it’s too much winning!
#69: If I ever text you the word “BONKO” it means that I’m in trouble and I need you to come save me right away (…don’t forget)
#70 Good morning!
America runs on Dunkin’
#71. Her: Sweet Dreams!
If I show up in your dreams, be gentle, I like to take things slow
#72: I GOTTA GO
cool, talk later, got a bubble bath waiting, I like to spoil myself, I’m worth it!
#73: What have you been doing?
classified, the only way to get it out of me is TICKLING
#74: What are you up to?
Hot tub, sippin’ bubbly, rubbing your spot love, got you screaming punish me!
#75: You are looking a little thin? (or any put down)
I don’t want to get too sexy. This 80 year old woman across the street has already been checking me out
#76: Are you really going to wear that shirt again?
I didn’t tell you. I’m a superhero, we wear the same outfit everyday
#77 Compared to me you seem very conservative
I’m actually really wild. This one time, in band camp, I held a girls hand for 2 minutes
#78: I’ve seen your Spotify playlist, it needs work
My playlist ROCKS. I just added a few choice Taylor Swift Jams!
#79. Are you really going to wear that sweater?
Yep, Grandma Mema gave it to me, it’s her favorite!
#80 She said that she “doesn’t feel like going out on dates right now”
Do you think we could go out before the year 2040, I don’t want to rush things
#81. I’m going to be all over you when I get there
Make sure to bring singles. I work on TIPS
#82. What are you thinking about?
I was wondering if Captain Crunch is a real captain…. or maybe he ‘s just faking
#83: Is your profile still up on the app?
…are you saying you want me all to yourself?
#84: Her Mad: What do you have to say for yourself?
You complete me!
#85 Do you think we could hold hands before the year 2050 I’m a very NEEDY guy
#86: I saw your profile on Facebook Dating
That wasn’t me. My buddy uses my picture so he can get more chicks.
#87. I miss you
Join the club!
#88. Why don’t you like texting?
Because when I was 14 I sent the wrong emoji and these mean bullies made fun of me
#89. Her: What are you doing? (boring message)
Going to the supermarket. If I die…. tell the world my story!
#89: I’m not sure if I want to be dating right now, I just have so much going on
#90: Nobody breaks Up With Me (Humor)
Her: I need some time, I’m just feeling confused
#91: Yeah you were being a total jerk, there’s no reason to say that.
You had me at hello!
#92: What happened with your work presentation?
Crazy story! I’ll tell you when we meet up. I have to use actual puppets to explain it right
- Find creative ways to tell her “let’s save it for the date”
#93: Her: You didn’t contribute any money, so don’t bother coming to my graduation
You: Yeah, but I contributed kisses
#94: When she says that you did something wrong –
#95: I can’t wait to get my hands on you tomorrow
Let’s Only do “air-kisses” for now, I’m a very shy guy!
#96: I think we should stop dating, I’m just feeling more of a friendship vibe with you.
Cool, you got any cute girlfriends for me. I’m recently single.
#97: You play guitar, that’s awesome!
Yep, I’m actually a stunt double for Bon Jovi. If six other backups die, I become the new Bon Jovi.
#98: When she compliments you
This is all going into my Diary
#99. I though you said you were going to the store?
No, I though that you said, Youz was alright Spider?
#100 Are you okay, you’re acting weird?
Funny you mention it, I feel off my bike and hit my head… and ever since I’ve been really happy and acting silly. My doctor says it may be permanent!
#101 Was that the 80 year old grandma you said was checking you out?
That’s ONE of them
#102: YOUR CHANGE IN BEHAVIOR (HUMOROUS NOT SERIOUS) BACKSTORY
Her: Why were we fighting all the time and now suddenly we get along so well?
You: I’m only going to say this once. So listen closely. It was completely dark and I reached for my underwear, but I accidentally put on yours. So I was acting like a woman (no offense), but to be fair – I didn’t know why. Now that I have my manly undies back on I feel like myself again! (credit: Jack)
#103: When can I see you? OR… I want to see you.
Come to my window. Wait by the light of the moon. I’ll be home soon!
#104: WHEN SHE IGNORES YOUR MESSAGE
Did I just get ghosted…. it’s NOT even Halloween!
Or….
Is this my first ghosting? Not as scary as I thought it might be
#105: What’s your deal?
I’m the HEIR to the Mr. Bubbles fortune
#106. I’m not sure if I can make it for our date tomorrow?
Are you’re saying I should cancel the private plane I was sending to pick you up?
#107. I can never tell if you are serious or not?
Thank you for the compliment. I have studied many years to reach this level
#108: HOW TO CONFIRM A DATE WITHOUT LOOKING NEEDY
#1 RULE: Always ASSUME that the date is ON
If you are doing this right, you should NOT have texted with her for a few days leading up to the date. (The anticipation phase) And now you (and her) may be worried/wondering if the date is still on.
What you never want to do is text her:
Are we still on? Are you still coming? etc – because that would make you look like you are lacking confidence.
Best case scenario, she texts you and says – are we still on? To which you would reply:
Of course. If I say I’m going to be somewhere, I always keep my word. I was in the boy scouts.
Now she knows that you always keep your word about dates, so she never gets worried, and you will never have to confirm date again (even if you haven’t been texting for a while)
However, if you feel you want to check-in and make sure she is coming (without looking needy) you can send her something like this:
I’m here ironing my tuxedo, if you have any issues finding the place just give me a call and I will guide you!
#109: BIG TEST: Who said “I love you” first in your last relationship?
I don’t remember my last relationship, but in 3rd grade Becky Speilman told me that she loved me on the see-saw
#110. When she gets really MAD at you for something stupid and then apologizes the next day for her behavior
Her: I’m sorry about last night, I don’t even know why I said that
You: It’s okay. listen, I’m a sexy guy, and sometimes that can make women go a little crazy
How To Handle The 3 Types of Text Messages
#1: Boring, neutral, downer message
ie. good morning, today sucks
- spice it up with silly humor (wacky) , playful world
- vs logic, facts and figures
#2: Happy with you message: compliment, mushy, gushing
- enhance with “cocky-funny” prize frame (instead of being mushy back) do this for her benefit (100)
- pretend to be humble, shy, go slow, be gentle (0)
#3: Mad at you, frustrated with you, complaining about you, breaking things off, or a TEST
- don’t back down, use humor
- don’t explain yourself, use humor
- non reactive with humor
- it’s not funny! (yes, it is)
- make fun of love, how much you like her
- Go to 0 or 100 (extremes)