Too little. Too much. Just right.
Rule #4: Whenever you see her, make sure it’s in the right context for where you currently are in the relationship. There is “non-dating/friend” context, “romantic dating” context and “boyfriend-girlfriend” context.
Valuing Your Time (Context Matters)
I speak a lot about putting a HIGH value on your time. And usually I am talking about the AMOUNT of time you give a woman. As in, how often do you see her, or message with her.
But context matters as well.
Meaning, in what CONTEXT do you allow her to spend time with you. Are you always available to run a quick errand, or to stop by for a sec? Or do you only show up for romantic dates?
Prime Time Only
You don’t hangout with women, you go on DATES
Like television, women have different time slots available.
She has her “prime time slots” (dinner) but she also has her less valuable time slots (hey, wanna go take a walk?)
The less desirable slots are always available for any guy desperate enough to take whatever he can get.
So if you want this girl to fall in love, only show up in PRIME TIME. Get out of the house, get dressed up and take her on a romantic date.
“Too Big” To Go Backwards
Here’s the deal –
Once you start going on romantic dates with a girl, you can NO LONGER spend time with her in a “non-dating” context
So while you’re dating, you can’t workout with her at the gym anymore. Or take that “Hot Yoga” class together.
Why?
Because it lowers your value in her eyes.
It would be like Brad Pitt accepting a small part in a High School Play. Or Guns n’ Roses playing at a local restaurant for only 14 people. She’d think, I thought this band was really popular. Why are they here? Did they go broke?
But Chris, I’m not Brad Pitt.
Well in her eyes, (at least at first) you should be seen as a famous celebrity. And you just don’t feel those same butterflies when you get to see a celebrity outside of their natural habitat
So if she wants to stop by to pickup her jacket that she left at your house, make sure you’re not there and you leave it for her on the porch.
The point is –
Of course she would enjoy getting to see you (again).
But she wouldn’t feel that same SPARK that she felt on a date. So she will start to question if she really has romantic feelings for you. (maybe this is more of a friendship thing)
Examples of “Non-Dating” / Friend Context:
- We go to the same 7pm Crossfit class
- She asked me if I wanted to go to church with her on Sunday
- She training to run a half-marathon, so we are going to jog together
- She‘s helping me sell my vintage sneakers on EBAY, so shes coming over to take some pictures
- She swung by to pickup her jacket so we ended up hanging out for 20 minutes before she was meeting her girlfriend
- She invited me to a Super Bowl party at her cousins new house
- We’re hanging out later to watch our favorite show on Netflix
- My office is right near hers, so I offered to bring her a coffee on her lunch break
Other “bad context” dating scenarios include going to the movies, large concerts and group dates where your (or her) friends are around. Really anything when you are not the 100% focus/star of her attention.
You Can’t Go Back (There)
You may have met her in salsa class or at that “cool” sports bar, but once you start dating you can no longer go back to any of those places. You don’t want to accidentally run into her.
So if she goes to the same gym, it’s time to find a new spot to do your dead-lifts,. Or make sure you only workout when there is ZERO chance of her being there.
Here’s Why-
Running into her and chatting would count as another “date” – without getting any of the benefits of going on a real romantic date.
At best, it’s a wasted opportunity.
Spin “Garbage” Into “Gold”
But what do you do if you get an “incoming” offer from her?
What if she’s dying to see you and invites you to do something “non-date” worthy. Like say, stopping by to help her fix her laptop.
In this case, you would politely decline her (low value) offer and spin it into something much better (a romantic date)
For Example –
Her: I have to go return this jacket at the mall if you want to take a quick ride
You: Sounds fun, but I’m busy right now… how about we grab some Margaritas at Tony’s Tacos tonight. Pick you up at 8
The point is, she wanted to see you. But the context was LOW VALUE
So, you just took her low value offer and spun it into DATING GOLD
No Low Hanging Fruit
Don’t be tempted to grab the low hanging fruit.
Hold out for something better.
If you’re always accepting her low value offers, you’ll never get her PRIME TIME slots (ie. dinner and drinks)
Pretend you’re the lead singer in a rock band and I am your booking agent. So you must run all of her incoming offers by me.
We are not accepting any invites to play at someone’s Sweet 16 party. We are holding out for an offer to play Madison Square Garden.
Quick Hookups
Quick, casual hookups at your/her place also count as seeing her in a non-dating context.
It may feel like you are making progress, but you are actually moving backwards. Allowing her to “stop by later” after hanging out with her girlfriends, is NOT a romantic date.
You guys are getting too comfortable, too soon.
Don’t Go Overboard (Girlfriend Context)
Of course you don’t want to go overboard either.
A fun 3 hour date where you get food/drinks and possibility do an activity (shoot pool) is more than enough to make it feel like you’re operating under a “romantic dating” context.
However, taking her on a weekend trip to Cabo this early on would be TOO MUCH context. In fact, that would be an example of boyfriend-girlfriend context and you guys aren’t there yet. You’re rushing things.
- weekend trips, long vacations
- attending her sisters wedding where you will meet her whole family
- going all out celebrating her birthday on your 3rd date
When To Loosen Up
Obviously this rule only applies to the first 10 weeks of dating. After you become an official couple and she’s in love, you can do fun stuff like taking a class or going on a weekend trip.
Just don’t do it before then.