Men can fall for a girl in 5 seconds, but for women, there is no such thing as LOVE (100% interest level) at first sight, there is only the HOPE of potential 100% interest (love) in the future, if the man can confirm her suspicions with his behavior

for her, that STRONG INITIAL FEELING is really just the HOPE that this guy can confirm that he represents something better, that he is someone to strive and work hard for, a challenge

THERE IS NO SKIPPING THE LINE, THERE IS NO FAST PASS, EVERY GUY HAS TO GO THROUGH THE FULL DATING PROCESS AND PROVE TO HER THAT HE HAS SELF-CONTROL

but it looks like you didn’t confirm her initial feeling about you, because you weren’t a CHALLENGE

ie. We ended up in my car talking and listening to music till late (translation: I gave away all of my time on the first big date, instead of ending things first on a high note and leaving her wanting more)

• We then kept in contact and arranged a second date

I’m wondering, how much contact? (daily texting?) and I’m also wondering if that contact was light and playful (or serious and logical?) iow, was it too much, too heavy, too soon?

• it was good, but not as great as the first one, we had fun and everything but something was different, like missing, like she wasn’t fully there. At some point she told me she wasn’t up to my standards

This comes off to me like she is trying to let you off easy, NO girl meets an awesome guy and then disqualifies herself as a partner. But as I was reading this sentence I also got the feeling that women who say things like that, really LOVE THE BAD BOYS (iow, she is saying you are too nice for me, I don’t deserve a sweet guy like you)

and of course what comes next….

Later i got to know that during the previous week she spent some time with one ex of hers who was visiting in town. I know it was something emotionally intense for her and in the end she decided to “eliminate” this ex from her life.

BINGO!

Her ex is a bad boy negative challenge, it was emotionally intense because he cheated, lied or did some other JERKY thing to her – and guess what, while she may have eliminated him from her life (I’ll believe it when I see it) ….the truth is he is the one who left her first

And here is the most important piece of coaching I can give you — even if he is truly “gone”, the CHALLENGE he created is still fresh in her mind (all of that intense feeling, emotion, drama and excitement). Her brain lights up like a Christmas tree when she thinks of him (even if it’s for negative reasons, doesn’t matter)

so when you’re trying to match this type of challenge (the feeling this guy created) you really have to bring your A-game, and so I’m guessing that she sensed that you were really into her right off the bat (no challenge at all)

Hey,

Here’s a truth bomb for you: Trying to be the “cool guy” might get you some short-term attention, but it will never make you the #1 guy in her life.

Why? Because trying to be cool screams insecurity.

What “Cool Guys” Get Wrong

Sure, the “cool guys” from high school might have dated or hooked up more—but they rarely kept the dream girl for long. Why?

Because trying to act cool still communicates neediness. It tells her you’re afraid to just be yourself. She knows you’re putting on an act, and that kills attraction.

The Real #1 Guy? He Doesn’t Care About Cool.

The guy women can’t resist—the one they keep coming back to—is the guy who:

• Amuses himself. He says what he wants because he’s genuinely having fun.
• Doesn’t take her too seriously. He doesn’t need her approval to feel confident.
• Can’t be tamed. Her mood doesn’t control his mood. Her reactions don’t dictate his behavior.

When you drop the need to impress her, and instead focus on enjoying yourself, you become the kind of guy she can’t figure out—and can’t stop thinking about.

How to Pull This Off

• Say What You Want: Send that silly, ridiculous text that makes you laugh.
  • Example: “Random thought… I’m starting a taco review club. You’re officially member #2.”
• Disappear After the Fun: Don’t sit around waiting for her response. Send it, chuckle to yourself, and get on with your day.
• Keep Your Mood Untouchable: Whether she texts back immediately or leaves you on read, you’re still good. A guy who can’t be rattled is a guy she respects.

Key Takeaway: Stop playing the “cool game”—it’s rigged. Women don’t fall in love with the guy who’s trying to win their approval; they fall for the guy who doesn’t need it.

Amuse yourself. Be silly. Say what you want. And most importantly—have more fun than everyone else.

P.S. When you’re not afraid to be goofy, bold, or unpredictable, she doesn’t see a “cool guy.” She sees the #1 guy.

We could write a whole book based on this one little saying:

I was burned by my last relationship and I’m afraid of being burned again

1. First, just because she said it, doesn’t mean you have to REACT/RESPOND to it. So there is nothing to do, your game plan stays EXACTLY the same – be a positive challenge!
2. Although she was “burned” by her last relationship, it’s obvious that she enjoyed the feeling that her EX created. He was a #1 feeling guy (a 90s guy) , although he would be considered a negative challenge (because her burned her) which could mean he cheated or maybe he just dropped her out of nowhere.
3. Shocking newsflash – She ALREADY knows that you are not the type of “guy” who would “burn her”. She doesn’t need any more time to figure it out – she INTUITIVELY senses that you are a nice guy who really likes her (and her senses never lie) Thus, I’d bet big money this whole “I’m afraid of being hurt” thing is a way to stall, break dates and get space away from you and not be accused of being “uninterested”). I ignored your text for 3 days not because I have LOW interest level, I’m just afraid of getting burned. She’s not ready to give up a guy who really likes her (a 40s guy) but her real goal is to get her EX/90’s feeling back.
4. The old boyfriend may be gone – but she still has strong feelings for him. The #1 feeling. The 90+ HIGH. Remember, you don’t have to be with the person to still have the strong feeling for them. (just look at all the guys who like some girl for 3 years that they don’t have a chance in hell with her. They don’t look at reality, because just liking the girl, gives them the HIGH feeling – so why would they stop?)
5. Your job is to create that same 90’s feeling in her by being a positive challenge. This way she can swap having the 90s feeling for him (negative challenge) with the #1 feeling for you (positive challenge). The alternative is she is grooming you for the 40’s (#2 feeling) where she will never feel for you the way she feels for him and you will always be vulnerable to her breaking up with you out of nowhere.
6. Her ex created a STRONG negative challenge, so you better bring a really strong positive challenge. And so step one would be not taking this declaration seriously and keeping things light and fun. Don’t buy into it!

• The draw of a 40 guy is he is attractive and HE LIKES HER (the rest can be try ad filled in with control)
• you have to be VERY ATTRACTIVE (top 5%) to get a woman into the 90s, but even if you do, that 90s feeling doesn’t last long. Challenge can get her into the 90s and keep her there forever (and while you do have to pass the attraction threshold 50%, if you are a challenge, you don’t have to be SUPER attractive)

When it comes to understanding attraction, there’s a powerful concept at play known as “The Negative Challenge.” It’s the reason why people often feel drawn to individuals who bring complexity, mystery, or even a bit of a chase into their lives. This isn’t about bad relationships but rather why certain dynamics can create lasting emotional imprints. In this post, we’ll break down this idea and explain how you can apply a healthier, more positive version of it in your own relationships.

What is “The Negative Challenge”?

Imagine someone from a person’s past—a “bad boy” or “heartbreaker” type who was inconsistent, mysterious, or even emotionally unavailable. This person left a lasting impression because they created a “challenge.” They gave just enough to keep someone interested but never enough to make them feel secure. Surprisingly, these relationships often have a lasting pull, even if they weren’t fulfilling or healthy. It’s not uncommon for people to find themselves attracted to others who provide that same intense, challenging feeling.

Why Do We Feel Drawn to Challenges?

The excitement of unpredictability activates something in the brain that many people find addictive. When someone is hard to “win over” or seems unattainable, it can trigger a desire to keep working for their affection. This isn’t a conscious decision; it’s more of an instinctive response. The feeling of not knowing what to expect creates anticipation and keeps them thinking about that person.

The Pitfalls of Being a “Negative Challenge”

Some people mistakenly believe that acting disinterested, unavailable, or dismissive will make them more attractive. And while it might work short-term, it creates unstable relationships based on uncertainty rather than trust. Those drawn to these traits might enjoy the thrill temporarily, but over time, such dynamics often leave both people feeling unfulfilled or hurt.

The Solution: Be a Positive Challenge

Instead of using negativity or disinterest to create a challenge, focus on becoming a “positive challenge.” A positive challenge maintains that element of independence and intrigue without manipulating someone’s emotions or creating insecurity. Here’s how:

1. Prioritize Your Own Life: People are drawn to individuals who have a life full of things they’re passionate about. When you’re genuinely engaged in your own goals and interests, you naturally create a sense of intrigue and independence that doesn’t feel forced.
2. Be Playful but Sincere: Enjoy the fun parts of dating and getting to know someone, but always stay respectful and authentic. Show you’re interested without being overly available or overly distant.
3. Balance Romance with Self-Respect: Treat the person with kindness and respect, but avoid overdoing gestures or displays of affection right away. Allow the relationship to build naturally over time, giving them the chance to get to know and appreciate you.
4. Give Space: Giving someone space helps create a positive challenge, showing you respect their independence and don’t rely on constant attention. Space adds a bit of excitement while allowing both of you time to reflect and appreciate each other.

Why Positive Challenges Work Better

A positive challenge allows for attraction to build on a foundation of respect and healthy boundaries. You’re not just creating attraction through insecurity but through genuine interest and connection. The right people will feel inspired by the balance of independence and togetherness, making it more likely for the relationship to grow in a healthy direction.

Final Thoughts

Remember, relationships shouldn’t feel like constant battles for attention or validation. While being a challenge can make things exciting, it’s important to keep things healthy. Use these strategies to focus on developing connections that are fulfilling for both of you.

When you master the art of the positive challenge, you’ll find yourself attracting people who genuinely appreciate you, minus the drama. So, go ahead—be the best version of yourself, and let attraction naturally follow.

I met a woman on a dating app and we’ve had two dates.

Both of the dates went extremely well and at the end of both dates we made out like teenagers.

On our last date we were out till 3 AM in the morning and I dropped her off at her house. We were supposed to meet again the next day, but I get a text message saying that she respectfully declined the third date and wished me luck.

Of course, I made the stupid move of sending her text messages, chasing her, but I still have not heard back from her again.

What are your thoughts?

Ronnie – who’s confused what happened

Hey Ronnie,

Woman meets a man and assumes that he’s a challenge. At first she feels like he is giving her the #1 feeling in the world (inspires me to want to be better, chasing)

However, she soon discovers that he is not a #1 feeling guy. He goes too fast, he doesn’t slow her down, he takes things “too serious”. He over-reacts to her tests and changing moods. He can’t say NO to her. He doesn’t know how to calmly stand up to her, He’s become boring and predictable.

Now, at this point you would think she just gets rid of him, but she doesn’t. She just switches what she WANTS from him. She switches what she likes BEST about him. So instead of

Dating and relationships are supposed to be light and fun. It’s about laughing and having fun experiences together (going on dates) It’s about having positive uplifting conversations. It’s not supposed to be serious.

So anything that takes you away from that fundamental truth is called “buying in”

Anything that takes you away from light and fun is DRAMA (and not the good kind)

The most obvious case of “buying in” is when she claims – I’m busy, my Dad is sick, or I’m stressed out because of work. Newsflash – that is NOT the reason she’s been moody and distant, you are. People do what they are interested in doing and right now she has low interest in you. So if you buy into those excuses you are RATIONALIZING her behavior.

if the source of her complaints are of the “you don’t like me enough” variety. ask yourself, is that really accurate? Because if not, then don’t buy in. Keep the playful humor going!

Another example of buying in would be that when there is a breakup, there has to be a heavy dark cloud permanently hanging over the relationship. That there needs to be long talks and deep logical discussions.

Because if you listen to any of this or actually respond to it (have a talk) then you lose. She thinks, i thought this guy was cool, how could he take this stuff seriously. Remember the real issue is you weren’t a challenge and you didn’t keep things light and fun. You were too serious and reactive.

if there’s is a problem, then you get back to the basics. Humor, giving her a positive challenge, not reacting, show you can walk away and the right amount of “liking her” (validation)

The #1 feeling in the world is working hard and chasing a guy. The #2 feeling is being put on a pedestal.

The #1 feeling is when a guy is non-reactive. The #2 feeling is when he takes your drama seriously and loses his cool. (because you know you can control him)

the #1 feeling is when you a guy makes you laugh and you can’t tame his humor. The #2 feeling is when he’s your therapist and you talk about deep stuff and problems.

• The BIG idea; guys blow it between dates (past/present), the good news (positive spin) – if you od this right, women fall in love between dates
• The Silly messaging “response” strategy (examples)
• where am I? the 4 phases between dates explained (24 hrs, no date, making the date, date is on the books)
• the process aka the positive roller coaster – “5 emotions you must take her through between dates” 10x (bliss, uncertainty, frustration, relief, anticipation)
• set up date: curve balls (maybe, broken, confirm, withdraw) etc
• the ultimate SHOWDOWN – dare her to walkaway because it MUST be THIS way to work (can’t feel guilty, it’s for HER benefit) after GF you can loosen up here a bit and you’ll be seeing her 2x a week (much easier to do this)
• Valuing your time, including not seeing her between dates in a non-romantic date context , spinning hints and low value offers into GOLD
• misc either start enjoying it right away, a few weeks (like most guys do) or have her in love forever
• builds frustration until she cracks – can’t wait, she starts asking you out on dates AND hints at wanting to be your GF – how to handle incoming vs. slowing her down

and really you don’t have to do much besides have self control and send silly messages. send me a Between dates journal and lets look at the chart. Coaching can guide you through the process

doing the right thing between dates is/gets HARDER the more she likes you (and you like her)

The main problem has always been blowing it between dates…

The 80s and 90s: Burning Out That Number

you get a girls number and burn it to the ground (swingers) when he left multiple messages on her answering machine

Before the cell phone, a guy would blow it between dates by calling a girl too soon,. he would get her number and phone her two days later.

Or after a date he would call her the following day and already ask her out again. He would burn out that number fast. One interesting thing of note for guys who came of age during this era, it was VERY rare for a woman to call you, So you didn’t have to worry about her helping undermine and lower her own interest.

The solution was to never call her between dates (except for the one time where you asked her out on the next date) . And doing that was pretty easy (at leastin theory). All you needed was the self control to not to pick up that phone on wait.

Welcome to Texting The 2000s

Now its a completely different world with smart phones, texting and social media. never calling or never interacting with her between dates is damn near impossible today. As such, the odds of a guy blowing his chance between dates is higher than ever. It’s simpler than ever to text her (in only takes a second). Having self control is harder.

But the main issue is now she also likes to reach out and text you between dates. And guess what, her texts are BORING. So you have to know how to respond. You have to navigate getting her to laugh, her frustration, to save it for date etc. It’s a minefield

3 FEELINGS that DESTROY her interest and blow it for you

1. feeling like things are moving too fast (pressure)
2. she feels like she already has you, you;re too available (you are 24-7)
3. the feeling that you are boring and predictable (not fun)

EVEN THOUGH YOU ARE GREAT ON DATES and don’t make the common mistakes, you still provoke these BAD feelings in her by what you do between dates

Like most guys, you’re a good dater, but you suck with women between dates. you have ZERO clue what to do. But to be good with women, you have to know how to get dates, be good on dates, but most importantly you have ot be great between dates.

SHE feels like things are moving too fast

of course she’s going to feel this way. 10 days ago you were total strangers and all of a sudden you’re communicating every day, from good morning to goodnight. yeah, she wanted this but then it hits her… things are going to fast. and guess who gets blamed, YOU. This is where she tells you she wants to slow down and needs some space You only dated her once a week and did a great job on the date, but you’re texting ruined it. You blew it between dates.

SHE feels like she already has you because you’re always available

You didn’t make the common blunders, confessing your feelings, or telling her how beautiful she is evrey 5 seconds.

But you do message with her every day. she knows she has you. and you were too available, In fact you were available 24-7. Never mind that clients have to schedule weeks in advance to get a 20 min meeting with you – with her your available to comment on memes, look at the sunset she sent and like her latest musings on IG. all of this adds up to her feeling like she’s already got you, even though you did everything else right. Again, you did great on the date, you blew it between dates.

She feels like you are BORING (and predictable)

On the dates you’re a funny as Dave Chappell. You show her a great time. you are slightly mysterious too with her doing most of the talking! But unfortunately, your text messages are boring logical and predictable and you’re been sending her dozens of these snoozers a day.

Picture this – every time her phone buzzes (its a let down) a like a $70 bill form Verizon instead of a $50 check from grandma. It’s a HUGE LETDOWN and she associates that letdown with YOU

and even though she was boring what;s up, whay are you doing, good moringom – YOU are th one who gets blamed, not her. now depsit ebeing amaozng ly funy on the daes, she’s duming you for he ex SPIKE. He only throew trasj at me once, he’s changed!

SOLUTION: you need a between daytes startegy

and the main part of that is using SILLY CONFUSING mesages

• you respond to her (instead of ignore0 but she doesn’t get anything tangible, she doent know what you’ve been doing
• its apoite way to convey lets save the ocmversation for the date
• it make ssur eyou dont get ijto a ong bacj and forth (too fast too soon, pressure)
• it’s confusing she will never liek she has you or TAMED YOU
• you are defintlet not BORING

to not text her between date is self control, when she texts you its kowing how ro respond (silly messaging strategy)

using the strategy on a “cleanup case” –

• no texting her (or social media) only responses (hold out for her to contact you)
• silly, confusing message responses ONLY
• not asking her out anymore, look for hints
• if not occasional stay om the radar message, ask her out x times per month

Some people will say, women want a nice guy.

No. No. Women want a “bad boy”. No, you’re wrong – it’s all about being physically attractive. No, she wants a challenge. Just tell her your feelings.

So who is right? Nobody. The truth is women want all of it.

There are 3 main qualities a woman needs.

One, she needs to be physically attracted to a guy. Two, she carves a challenge, And third, she needs romance/validation.

The problem is, she usually can’t find all 3 of these qualities in the same guy. So she’s usually dating or “hanging out” with up to 3 guys in order to fulfill her needs.

For example –

She’s very physically attracted to Matt and they’re going on dates, but he gives her ZERO challenge. So at 2am she heads over to Spike’s house to get some (negative) challenge. And then on Sunday, she goes to a movie with Victor. Victor is deep in the friend zone, but he gives her a daily does of compliments and validation.

You Are “Out Of Order”

Now, some guys may even possess all 3 of these qualities. Maybe you do as well.

However, your problem is that you are displaying them to her in the WRONG order.

The 3 Steps

• Step 1: She Finds You Attractive
• Step 2; You give Her a Challenge (Chase)
• Step 3: You give Her Compliments and Validation (Romance)

For example –

You say, I’m not starting a conversation with that girl. Women should approach me, You are out of order because you are trying to be a challenge (#2) before you have displayed attractiveness to her (#1) .

She finds you attractive (step #1) but then you start confessing all your feelings (step #3) before giving her any challenge (step #2) You are out of order because she doesn’t yet appreciate your validation because she’s not in love with you yet. (Hint: being a challenge – step 2 would have done that)

Or how about the super nice guy who goes straight to complimenting her (step #3) before he has even been attractive or a challenge. These are the guys that end up as her friend or therapist.

There is a “Specific” Order To This

First, she has to find you attractive. Meaning you have to be her type. She also has to enjoy your initial conversation and think – I’d give this guy a shot.

But then next, you have to give her a challenge. A positive one. Just because she’s attracted to you physically, doesn’t mean you can skip letting her chase you and go straight into confessing your love. (#3).

There’s a specific order to this.

Finally, after you given her the challenge of trying to catch you and she’s head over heels (ie. asking you if you want to be her boyfriend) – NOW you can start being romantic and revealing some feelings for her. Because unlike at the beginning, she actually values your validation, because she’s in love with you.

Bravo! You have become that super rare guy who gives her everything she needs (the 3 qualities) in just one man.

The BIG Relationship Mistake

Here’s one final mistake men make.

She finds you attractive. You give her a positive challenge. But then you give her ZERO romance. No compliments. Not even one small gift or funny card. Big mistake.

Maybe they’re paranoid about not being enough of challenge or they’re one of these “fake tough guys” that are afraid to be vulnerable,

Either way, this becomes a problem, because she doesn’t see your lack of romance as you being a challenge/attractive – she sees it as you are scared.

A lot of guys look at us dating coached and think – these guys probably never say or do anything nice for their women. So, I’ll just copy them. That’s not true at all.

Now, you don’t have to go overboard and lay rose pedals at her feet, but part of maintaining your relationship is doing (and saying) something thoughtful from time to time. You have to keep dating her.

If not, she will look for that “romance and validation” outside the relationship (a “friend” from work perhaps?) Or she will just constantly start arguments with you. You’ll think the fight was over you not doing the dishes, but it’s really due to your lack of romance. And if this happens it could lead you to losing your cool, which will lower her interest even more. And then before you know it, you are HISTORY.

Remember guys, you need to be all 3 of these qualities, but more importantly, you need to display them to her in the correct order.