BOLDNESS is attractive, but it’s NOT a challenge.
We are looking to get her obsessed with you for 2 years, not just 2 weeks“ We are looking to win hearts and minds, not bodies.
Interest trumps physical pleasure.
We live in interesting times.
It’s easier than ever to meet a girl through a dating app and get physical right away. No official “date” and little conversation.
But it also seems harder than ever to KEEP that girl interested.
So let’s get real here.
I’ve coached thousands of guys and I’ve learned that what they secretly want is a loyal girlfriend. Someone who really loves them. They want a fun, “giving” woman they can spend time with.
As I always say, AFFECTION is what men really want. So think me of me as your “affection” coach.
And the key to getting that affection, is by winning her MIND, not her body
So as counter-intuitive as it sounds, I recommend holding back and not escalating things too fast. Especially when she knows that you could. if you wanted to.
Win Her Mind, Not Her Body
Like most guys, I used to think if you got “intimate” with a girl, it meant you had reached the highest level of her attraction. She had to have 100% interest in you. You had reached the mountaintop of love.
Now I know nothing could be further from the truth.
Look, a woman can get “romantic” with you and still only have MILD interest. In fact, this happens a lot. Especially nowadays with all the dating apps and the “casual hookup” culture.
Typical Scenario:
“I got a woman I’ve been chasing off and on for years to agree to go to Vegas with me. Any advice? We’ve hooked up and slept together, but I’ve never been able to get her to commit to me. She pretty much just dates me in between guys.“
Just like a guy (you) would, sometimes women will do that with you just because it’s pleasurable. Or maybe she’s lonely. Or bored. Or she suddenly finds herself “in the mood”. Or it’s just been so long since she last had it.
I also used to think, if you get “intimate” with a girl really fast, it gave you the best chance of her becoming your girlfriend. The faster the better.
I’ve updated my position on this.
In my own experience, and from the data I’ve collected after coaching thousands of men over the last 15+ years – you have a much better chance if you go slow in the “physical department” and give her one more thing to chase.
Just ask any of my clients who met her on a dating app and hooked up on the first night. They’re all hurt and confused as to why she never returned their texts. These guys thought because she wanted to sleep with him, that she had to have 100% interest. So, why did she disappear?
Because remember, the #1 feeling in the world – I had to work really hard to win him over – trumps everything. Even “physical” pleasure.
Sure, physical pleasure is great, but it still only produces the #2 feeling in the world.
You Stand Out
There’s another advantage of being a “physical challenge”. You’ll stand out from every other guy that’s chasing her.
Every guy is trying to touch her, but you will wait for her to touch you first.
Every guy is making-out with her all night until she ends it, but you are going to be the one to stop things first. Remember, as a guy you are the one starting the kiss, so you should be the one to end things first (or she will feel like you are chasing her). A good way for her to feel this is to make sure the kiss is under 2 seconds.
Every other guy is talking about “it” – but you will casually change the subject if she brings it up. Plus, a gentleman doesn’t talk about that.
Advanced Coaching: “Chris, we talked all day, even about SEX”
If she brings that subject up (or wants to talk about it), it’s usually a test to see if you will get all EXCITED — and you just failed. I’ve never had ONE client that was “talking” with her about sleeping together, that was actually sleeping with her. (I can guarantee you that the guys who are actually doing it, aren’t sitting around talking or texting with her about it)
You’re also the only guy not sending R-rated messages or photos BEFORE you’ve even been with her. Because when you do, you drastically reduce the chances of getting intimate with her in REAL LIFE. And even if you do, you reduce the chances of her ever falling in love with you.
Which let’s be honest, having her fall in love is what you REALLY want. So you are going to be the first guy in the entire UNIVERSE to give her a physical challenge. And then 12 weeks later, when she’s madly in love with you, you’ll thank me.
One Caveat To This
There is however, one BIG caveat.
This all comes with the assumption that you do kiss her at the end of dates and that you are comfortable conveying a “seductive” VIBE.
Meaning, you know how to build and maintain ROMANTIC tension.
Which is really just a fancy way of saying that when you guys “lock eyes” you don’t quickly look away and blush like you’re scared. Because If you do that, you will end up as “just a friend”
Hey, I get it.
A lot of guys first get into dating advice to help them overcome their fears of making a move or being more “physical”. But once you get that all figured out, don’t overcompensate by going too far (and fast) the other way.
Once you have the “knowing what to do” part handled, you can actually turn this into another “positive challenge”.
If I had to rank guys from worst to first it would be:
last: a guy who is nervous and unskilled in this area
middle: a guy who is skilled but goes really fast
best: a guy who isn’t nervous, has skill but goes slow and makes her earn it.
The key is she has to feel like you “could do it” if you really wanted to. But that you’re choosing to go slow because SHE has to earn it. You are the prize after all.
How Long?
I’m NOT going to get into how long you have to wait or when’s the right versus wrong time to get physical. It depends.
All I’m saying is, IF you can slow her down in this area, even just one time, then you will further reinforce the narrative, that SHE is chasing YOU, Which is the only way to give her the #1 feeling in the world and make her ask to be your girlfriend.
For example, you have a great first date, you drop her off at her apartment and she invites you inside. Instead of jumping at the chance like every other guy, you tell her you have an important work meeting tomorrow,
Or let’s say you kiss her and it turns passionate very quickly. Instead of kissing her for 20 minutes and having her end things – you stop first and playfully say – that’s all you get for now.
Remember, if she even sniffs that you’re too NEEDY when it comes to getting physical, it’s a huge turnoff.
Who’s The Lucky One?
Objective: steal her prize frame when it comes to “intimacy”
A woman’s strongest frame is that SHE is the prize in the “intimacy” department.
Meaning, that if you guys got romantic, then you’d be the lucky one (not her). This frame is so ingrained in our culture that we even have a saying for it – we tell our friends…
I got LUCKY last night!
So, if you can reverse this dynamic by being a “physical challenge” – she will really start coming after you hard.
Stealing her “I’m the prize” frame when it comes to intimacy, is one of the most attractive things you can ever pull off. Every guy is always chasing her for that – but now for the first time in her entire life, she will be chasing you.
Even if you just make things EVEN in that department (ie. we are BOTH the prize) is better than it seeming like you always have to grovel to “get some”.
Just Check “The Box”
Lesson Review: Here are the 5 ways to give her a PHYSICAL challenge:
- don’t touch her, wait for her to touch you (use vibe and closeness)
- give her a quick kiss versus a long make-out session (and stop first)
- hold off on getting intimate as long as you can
- reverse the frame: she has to earn it (you are the prize)
- never talk about “it” and change the subject if she brings it up (it’s a trap)
You Can’t Hurry LOVE (…You’ll Just Have to Wait)
Remember, even if you got intimate with her after 2 or 3 dates, that doesn’t mean she’s instantly in LOVE you. Many men thought they could, but there is no way to speed up nature’s love process. That’s because besides ATTRACTION, the second crucial ingredient for love to happen…. is TIME
Look, I get it.
This is probably the hardest piece of coaching for guys to wrap their heads around. But if you can get her to chase you for intimacy – you’ll have a much better chance of getting her to fall in love and become your girlfriend.
Which is what you really want anyway.