“Beautiful women are like professional athletes and celebrities, they’ve never heard the word NO”
She either respects you or she doesn’t.
And if she doesn’t respect you, it doesn’t matter how much she likes you. She could have 100% interest, but if she doesn’t respect you, it might as well be ZERO. Because without respect, she can never have the #1 feeling in the world for you.
The Wimp (Doormat)
Most guys start out acting like wimps in the relationship. They let her get away with everything. They never say NO. And they don’t set any boundaries.
A lot of times women are disrespectful on “auto-pilot”. They are so used to nice guys letting them get away with “everything” – that they don’t even consider what they’re doing. Oh, he won’t mind if I cancel the date at the last minute. Every guy always calls back again.
The WIMP is like a parent who let’s their kid do whatever they want. And although she likes it – she secretly wishes she had parents who took the time to correct her behavior. Women can never respect a wimp.
So of course, in the beginning, you don’t say anything when you see her messaging with her ex-boyfriend. Or texting her friends while she’s out on a date with you.
Soon, her respect for you hits an all-time low. And now she’s openly flirting with other guys at a party while you stand alone in the corner.
Then you suddenly remember what she told you:
I wish you would stand up to me. I wish you would stick up for yourself, even just once.
And she has said this to your face, multiple times. (Yikes! talk about dropping a HINT!)
The Fake Tough Guy (Reactive)
So all of a sudden you go from the being the wimp, to what I call – “The Fake Tough Guy”.
The fake tough guy uses tough guy WORDS, but never follows through with tough guy actions (calmly walking away)
And so you start saying things like this:
“When I make plans and you can’t even call to let me know about the emergency, then it’s disrespectful, and I won’t take disrespect from anyone!
“I told her that I could care less what she does when I am not around, but if I am involved, then she would have to show me some respect. I also told her that if it ever happened again that she shouldn’t even bother calling me“
“She randomly brought up, are you happy with the speed we’re moving. I said yeah of course, but just know I’m not gonna sit around and wait forever“
“Listen, and listen to me very closely. If you’re dating someone else and want me to stay in contact with you – There’s no way in hell that’s going to happen. I’m going to give you two options. You either get rid of these other guys or delete my number.“
The fake TOUGH GUY is like that strict parent that’s always yelling and screaming. Whenever she does something he doesn’t approve of, he OVER-REACTS.
She may not like it, (and even rebel against him) but secretly she likes that she’s getting his ATTENTION.
So you charge right up to her and demand –
If you flirt with one more guy, I will leave! I’m not joking. I will not be treated like this!
Since you have never stuck up for yourself to her before, she temporarily feels a little jolt of attraction for you.
However, a mental note has been made. Flirting with other guys gets him to react. And when he reacts, I temporarily feel good. In other words, If she can get you to REACT, she knows she CONTROLS you.
Your REACTION also gives away that you are more emotionally invested in the relationship than she is. Plus, in some strange way, she likes that she has the POWER to make you lose your cool. It’s certainly more interesting than the wimp that lets her walk all over him.
The problem is, eventually, controlling you and getting a rise out of you – becomes the most exciting thing about you. (It gives her pleasure)
You are no longer the wimp, but she doesn’t respect the “fake” tough guy either. In fact, she’s laughing at you.
Your BIG Mistake
Okay so here’s where you went wrong –
When she said — I wish you would stand up to me” — you thought she meant — I wish you would get mad and tell me what I can and can’t do.
And while, that might be better than being the wimp who just sits there and takes it- it still won’t make her attracted to you. That’s because GET TING ANGRY lowers her attraction level.
What she really meant is THIS:
I really wish you wouldn’t let what I “say” or “do” get you to REACT and LOSE CONTROL of your emotions. I wish I didn’t have the POWER to take you out of your good mood. Translation: I wish you wouldn’t take me so SERIOUSLY.
And so the secret to standing up to a girl isn’t getting “angry” or being “alpha”, It’s remaining calm and walking away when she does something that doesn’t meet your standards of behavior.
Walk Away For The Day (Mini Break-Up)
“Just like in business, if she senses you can’t walk away from the deal, you’re going to get creamed at the negotiating table ”
So how do you walk that fine line between not being a pushover, but not “over-reacting” either?
Simple. When she does something you don’t like, you CALMLY walk away.
(Instead of sticking around to be disrespected even more)
Walking away is so powerful because it’s shows her you can break up with her, without actually breaking up with her. You may or may not come back, but she will know that you are not afraid to leave her. This puts you on even footing with the negative challenge bad boy.
Remember –
The woman who stays with you forever, is the one who knows that if she ever pushes you over the line you will walk away – and you never have to VERBALLY tell her where that line is (she just senses it based on your attitude and actions)
Advanced Coaching:
Take the emotion out of it. Be matter of fact. It is what it is.
Basically you’re saying – these are my standards, you didn’t meet them and now there are consequences. Just make sure that you follow through, or she will respect you even less.
Let’s look at an example from a client –
You and your date are in the hot tub at her apartment building. You start chatting up some other people by the pool but then suddenly she accuses you of ignoring her and angrily heads back up to her apartment. (fake drama to see if you will take it seriously)
So you take a swim for 20 minutes and she still hasn’t come back down. Not even a text to let you know where she went. You wait another minute, yawn, stretch out your arms and then calmly leave and go do something else.
You don’t go to her apartment and plead you case – “I was just being friendly” or try your best to cheer up. Nope, you just calmly split.
An hour later, you get a text from wondering where the heck you are? Now this isn’t where you act hurt and verbally explain how leaving you by yourself at the pool is very disrespectful and you won’t put up with that behavior, blah blah blah.
You calmly say – Hey. I didn’t see you, so I left and made other plans. No anger. No yelling. Just deadpan and matter of fact. It is what it is.
Message sent.
I can walk away. (I can break up with you)
Or how about this disrespectful date.
After ringing her doorbell a few times he realizes that she isn’t home so he texts her to find out what happened. Turns out she is at Best Buy getting a new pair of air-pods and tells him she will be back in 20 minutes.
Sorry I “forgot” we had a date.
The nice guy wimp would say – “no worries” and patiently wait at the door until she got home. I mean it’s ONLY 20 minutes. Let’s not over-react here.
The “fake tough guy” would give her a lecture about how his time is valuable and she better not do this again because he will not stand for it. (despite his tough talk she knows he’s bluffing, he will put up with it)
What does the attractive guy do?
He texts her – hey, take your time, something actually came up so we will just have to make the date some other time. Then he smiles and takes off.
Unless this girl apologizes profusely and asks him out (and pays) he will not be seeing her ever again.
Message sent.
I’m not the guy you play disrespectful games with.
Last one – how would you handle this TEST?
You’re out on a date and she takes out her cellphone and starts checking emails and texting friends (while ignoring you)
The wimp wouldn’t say a word and wait until she was done. The fake tough-guy would get upset and say – I won’t put up with a girl paying with her phone. If a girl can’t give me her attention, I’m out.
The positive challenge would make his point, but way more subtly.
- Her: playing with her phone ignoring you
- You: is there an emergency?
- Her: (confused) no why?
- You: oh I saw you were looking at your phone
- Her: Oh… sorry… I was just… It’s nothing….I’ll put it away
Point made. (without losing your cool)
Walk Away Early
The Lesson:
If you can show her the willingness to walk away (break up) early in the relationship over seemingly small things – she will never even think about TESTING you over the big things later on. She would be too afraid doing that would lower your interest and she would lose you.
If you wait too long, you can still show the willingness to walk away, but although she will respect you, she may just let you walk. That’s because her interest had been lowered to the point of no return because you never showed her the willingness to walk at the beginning.
And if you wait until you’re married to finally show her you can “walk away”. Well, you should have shown you could do it way sooner, because now walking away is going to cost you BIG TIME!
Remember, it’s better to stand your ground in the beginning over small things than have to battle her over the BIG things later on.
Who Really Holds The Power?
When you meet your dream girl odds are your interest in her, is going to be higher than her interest in you. At least in the beginning. And that means she is going to feel like she has the upper hand and power in the relationship.
And that is fine.
Because no matter that you like her more than she likes you – you have one advantage that actually gives you ALL OF THE POWER.
Despite really, really liking her – you can calmly walk away from her.
Don’t Take Her “Drama” Seriously
She tests to see if you will take her seriously.
Another opportunity to show her you can walk away, is when she creates fake “drama”. I just coached a client who’s girl was accusing him of cheating with one of his female friends. This guy had nothing to hide and did nothing wrong.
However, instead of calmly stating that fact one time and ending it – he allowed her to call up the girl and question her for 20 minutes, By the way, even listening to this nonsense is LOSING. Then despite him taking this situation “seriously” and trying his best to fix it, his girlfriend stayed angry with him anyway.
When you buy into her made-up “dramas” she loses respect for you. She thinks to herself – I thought this guy was cool, I can’t believe he’s actually taking this seriously.
First, it shows her you care so much that you’re willing to disrespect yourself. And it also shows that you can be easily controlled. You think you’re doing what she wants so you can make her happy, when in reality she just loses respect for you.
Here’s the secret –
Sure, women love drama. But the truth is, they don’t want you to take it (or take them) too seriously.
Attractive Men Apologize (Once)
Of course, If you actually did something wrong you should give her ONE sincere apology.
Being able to admit you that are wrong (when you actually are wrong) is an attractive trait. However, only apologize ONCE and no groveling.
A lot of times it’s not the “bad deed” that lowers her interest. For example, let’s say your girlfriend of 6 months finds your dating profile is still online because you innocently forgot to take it down.
If you grovel and over-apologize, she will lose interest, but not because of what you did wrong, but because she sees you groveling and begging for forgiveness. And then when you break up you will believe it’s because you forgot to take down your profile and not because you looked so unattractive groveling.
The point is don’t be the wimp who over-apologizes for everything, even when he did nothing wrong.
You Are Lowering My Interest – No Ultimatums
Giving a woman an ultimatum is always a BAD idea.
But it’s not just women. Human beings in general don’t like being told they HAVE to do something (or else). Even if that “thing” is good for them.
Here, you MUST take this life saving medicine… if NOT you will lose your job. Screw you! I will do what I want. You can’t tell me what to do. Freeeeedom!
That’s just how people are wired.
So when your tell your girl that she has to stop talking to her ex-boyfriend SPIKE on Facebook (or else) – don’t expect a good reaction.
The better play is to calmly state your disapproval of her behavior, but frame it in the right way. In other words, don’t make it about her (and what she can and can’t do) – instead, make it about YOUR interest level.
The correct frame is this:
babe, you can do whatever you want – but talking to “Spike” on social media lowers my feelings for you. It kills my attraction for you. And I really do want to be interested in you, but it lowers my feelings when you do this.
Allowing her to make her own decision and come to the right conclusion on her own (if I keep talking to Spike I may lose Chris)
Is the only way to get her to do what you want.
Remember, never try to give a woman an ultimatum.
Stay Calm
She shouldn’t be afraid that if she pushes you too far you’re going to YELL AND SCREAM at her (the fake tough guy)
She should be TERRIFIED that if pushes you too far, you will CALMLY walk away forever.
Calmly walking away is the highest level of standing up for yourself.
Are you going to get upset, pout, give her ultimatums and try to tell her what she can and can’t do? Good luck with that.
The only thing you can do is CALMLY teach her what behaviors you simply won’t tolerate in a unattached, matter of fact way.
Because that’s what being non-reactive is all about. You may react with ACTION (walking away from a disrespectful situation) but never with EMOTION (yelling or pouting)
If she’s being moody and putting you down – you calmly say, looks like you’ve got a lot on your mind, we’ll just do this some other time. And you leave.
This communicates. I can’t be controlled. I won’t let my emotions swing wildly back and forth based on how she’s acting today.
Remember, it’s your choice if you want to continue this relationship or not. If she’s not measuring up, you have the option walk away. No hard feelings. No drama. Don’t take it personally. Fair enough.
Good lines to use are:
- That’s cool, but to me it’s a turn-off
- You can do whatever you want, but it lowers my interest.
- It’s not my thing, but if you like to do that, have fun.
Why would you ever argue or get into the “drama” with her? It’s not your job to get angry or correct her. Your only job is to “observe her” and keep score. And if she doesn’t measure up, you walk away.
Or worse, have a logical discussion where you try and convince her you are right (you’d have more success talking to a wall) In fact, you shouldn’t even care enough to argue. At a certain point you just CALMLY say – hey, looks like we aren’t on the same page here – I’m going to take off.
Be Emotionally Autonomous
By the way, not letting her effect your mood doesn’t mean you have to turn into some COLD unemotional robot with no feelings. Far from it.
In fact, when she’s being sweet and treating you nice, you give that same affection right back to her. But if she’s being disrespectful she gets “no reaction”.
Some guys think being non-reactive would make her MAD. But it’s actually just the opposite, It makes her feel SAFE. She knows you aren’t going to fly off the handle (like the fake tough guy) but you’re also not going to let her walk all over you either (like the doormat)
Here’s the key. If you don’t let HER walk all over you, it communicates to her that you won’t let LIFE walk all over you either. And a woman must know this in order to have the #1 feeling for you.
To sum up this lesson, women want a guy who doesn’t react. A man keeps his COOL She wants him to be her “emotional” ROCK.
Of course she’s not just going to blindly assume that you’re her rock. You have to prove it. So, she’s going to test you. And by TEST, I mean she is going to try to get you to over-react emotionally.
Your Homework Lesson: The Storm and The Stone
She is the STORM (testing you) and you are the STONE (holding steady no matter what she throws your way)
Visualize 100 foot waves battering the jetties on the shore. Her moods, dramas and tests are the waves…. and you are the rocks.
Your homework is simple. Go outside and get a ROCK and put it on your night stand. The rock is a visual to remind you that the key to women is being non-reactive.