“Chris, we started texting each other all day like we were teenagers” – client
If going too fast is the biggest mistake…
Texting her too much is a close second
That’s why one of the first questions I ask my coaching clients is…..what’s your text relationship with her like?
Because the answer always reveals so much.
Back in the old days before cellphones and texting, the phone was still dangerous. If you were bad at talking on the phone, the danger was you would say something stupid to turn her off and she wouldn’t go out with you.
However, if you were fun and engaging on the phone, it was actually worse. Because you guys would talk like “best friends” for hours – and then she wouldn’t feel like going out – because she already knew everything about you.
The same thing is happening today with social media and messaging. If you are bad at it, you think learning how to be an “attractive texter” will solve all your problems. And if you are too good at messaging, it actually hurts your chances of seeing her.
First, let’s look at the strict version of the rule.
There should be ZERO texting between dates while conducting your 60 day love campaign.
We don’t do this to be “cool” or to “play games”. We do it because when you don’t text with her all week, her desire to date you goes way up.
However, if we want to follow the spirit of the rule, let’s amend that to:
You want to do the least amount of texting possible.
Why Is Texting So Dangerous?
Let me make this as simple as I can –
Texting is dangerous because it reduces her motivation to want to see you in real life. If she can get all your attention and validation from the comfort of her couch, it’s unlikely she will make the effort to go out on a date with you.
Think of it like this –
If there’s a movie you really want to see, but it’s available to stream free on Netflix, there’s no way you’re paying $50 (and driving 20 minutes) to watch it in the theater. Well, women feel the same way about dating.
The Mindset:
Think of yourself as a popular show. But your show isn’t available anytime “on demand”. In fact, the only way to watch it, is to come see it LIVE. Therefore, if she wants to experience your amazing hit show, she needs to go out on a date with you.
Real World Examples
#1 – I’ve coached hundreds of clients who’ve had a date set up, but then proceeded to message the girl all week long. Then on the day of the date, suddenly she wasn’t feeling well and had to cancel. Hmm, I wonder why?
#2 – I’m also in a group chat with a bunch of my buddies from college. Last year, when the chat started, we all talked about meeting up and renting a cabin for the weekend. It would be so awesome to catch up with everyone!
However, after sending funny voice messages, old pictures and memes at all hours of the day – suddenly everyone because “too busy” to actually buy a plane ticket.
The reason why is obvious. We were all getting our laughs and catching up “virtually”. Thus, there was little motivation to get together and hear these same stories again in person.
What About Social Media?
By the way, we are talking about texting, but really, we could be talking about any kind of communication you can do when you’re not face to face.
So the same rule applies when it comes to social media (IG, Facebook, Snap) or any app where you can communicate.
Advanced Coaching: All of That Texting Was Your Date
Client Story: This past Friday I called her up and we talked for about an hour on the phone. The phone call went well. We did a ton of catching up. So we set up a date for yesterday to go out and eat. Then about 11am she texts me saying she feels sick and that we may have to do it another time.
Remember that awesome text you sent that made her LOL. The one she “hearted” Remember how your phone vibrated, flashed and made that “ding” sound – and you couldn’t wait to see what she wrote. Remember, how you crafted that witty response when she asked you about your favorite movie. Then you paced around your room waiting for her reply.
Well guess what?
THAT was the date.
The rule is this, if you guys send 10 total messages between the two of you, before the next date happens… then THAT was your date. It counts as another date.
Yep, all that texting back and forth (or chatting on the phone for 20 min) was your date with her.
All of the validation she could have gotten by going on a date with you, was just delivered virtually over the phone. You guys had a virtual phone date.
So why should she go on a real date with you? She already gets all she wants over text. Why would she be motivated to see you again at night?
I hope all that messaging was fun! Because now you will NOT be seeing her in real life. In fact, she just sent you a message canceling for tonight, Ouch.
Remember, these smartphone companies designed their devices to be addictive. To release hits of dopamine for every notification, alert and buzzing sound. By the end of a text exchange with her you both feel like you rode on a wild roller coaster.
Hope you had fun texting.
Because THAT was your date,
Live Coaching: The Phone Date
Bottom line – the MORE you text with her, the LESS desire she will have to go on a date with you. And if you don’t ever meet in real life, it was all just TALK.
The Epic Battle Of Our Times
I know this is a hard piece of advice to swallow, because every guy in the world is trying to be “digitally attractive”. Trying to craft the perfect “social media” image.
But in a fight to the death between…
The most attractive “texter” in the world AND a guy who simply disappears for a few days between dates
The guy who was 100% gone (zero messages) wins.
The only question is…do you have the guts to try it.