“Being LOVED….. doesn’t feel as good as LOVING SOMEONE”
“Women do like nice guys, they’re just not attracted to them“
When someone loves YOU, it’s the 2nd BEST feeling in the world.
I’ll Admit – Being a Nice Guy (Apple) “Kinda” Works
How may times have you heard a dating coach say:
Don’t put her on a pedestal! Don’t confess your feelings. Don’t give her gifts and do her favors.
A lot right?
And I say it too. I say it all the time. Don’t put the girl you like on a pedestal.
However, the truth is a bit more complicated. Because the thing is, putting a girl on a pedestal actually works a little bit. Because if it didn’t work, millions of guys wouldn’t be doing it.
So let me admit to you today –
That being a nice guy (putting a girl on a pedestal) sorta works.
When a guy is obsessed with her and gives her everything she wants, it’s a great feeling! She likes it!
Liking Her Isn’t Enough (…Every Guy Likes Her)
I think this message from a client sums up your problem perfectly:
“I’ve always been very open and honest about how much I like her. At times she seemed to really like this and be turned on by it. But other times she would seem cold, uninterested and distant.“
Are you dying to know why the girl you like runs HOT and cold? You want the secret?
It’s because being idolized by a guy and put on a pedestal is ONLY the second greatest feeling in the world. It’s the 50% experience.
Some days she likes it, but most days, she’s BORED buy it.
“I confessed my feelings for her. I told her that I think that she’s sweet and beautiful. She liked that, but then soon after things turned cold“
Or to say it another way, liking her isn’t enough.
Plus, the truth is EVERY GUY likes her. When she walks down the street every single guy would love to take her out. And she knows it! Liking her is no big deal and so it’s not enough. You also need to give her a challenge.
Just to recap –
The #2 feeling is when you get “VALIDATED” by someone that you think is slightly below your level. Now, before you say Chris, #2 sounds pretty good to me, remember that what women really want is the #1 feeling in the world. They want the 100% experience.
They crave it.
What creates the #1 feeling in the world:
- I had to chase him
- I had to work hard to get him
- It took my best effort in order to finally win him over (I earned it)
That’s the #1 feeling in the world. And if you don’t give her the #1 feeling in the world, she will eventually leave you for a guy who will.
Pop Culture Example
I always think of Jennifer Lopez and Alex Rodriguez.
Alex is a handsome guy worth hundreds of millions of dollars. A celebrity athlete with tons of women chasing him. But he put Jennifer on a pedestal, giving her everything she wanted. (he even admits as much).
However despite being perfect “on paper” and putting her on a pedestal, in the end it just wasn’t enough for Jen. Because all of the validation and attention only gave her the #2 feeling in the world.
Liking Jen wasn’t enough.
She still craved that #1 feeling (getting to chase a guy) And now Alex is history, and once again Jen is working overtime trying to win over Ben Afflek (who gave her a challenge)
Alex was an “nice guy” and Jen desperately wanted a “challenge”
SHE DOESN’T FALL IN LOVE WITH HOW MUCH YOU LIKE “HER”. SHE FALLS IN LOVE WITH HOW MUCH SHE LIKES “YOU”
Typical Guy: I can’t do nothing, I feel like I have to do something to show her how much I like her. I need to pursue her.
You really think you can make her fall in love with YOUR High Interest in Her? It doesn’t make that way pal.
She ONLY falls in LOVE with HER high interest in YOU!
The “Pedestal” or The “Chase” ?
I do a lot of coaching and my guys make a ton of mistakes with women. But instead of beating them up over each and every mistake, I just ask them a simple question:
Does what you did give her the #1 feeling in the world
I feel like I’m chasing him
Or the 2ND BEST feeling in the world …
It feels nice to get put on a PEDESTAL
It’s really that simple.
So starting today, I don’t want you talking about how your problem is that you’re a “nice guy” or that you aren’t “alpha” enough. Save that talk for the therapists couch.
For our purposes here, everything you do and say can easily be viewed through a lens of – Am I being an orange or am I being an apple?
Are you giving her the #1 feeling in the world (the chase), OR the 2ND BEST feeling in the world? (the pedestal)
Giving Her Apples (5 examples)
— Giving Her Gifts
If giving women gifts actually worked, Santa Claus would be getting **** like crazy. What you’re really trying to do here is raise her Interest Level by buying her something.
Sure, women love getting gifts and flowers. But gifts only give her #2 feeling in the world. Gifts also make her think that you’re trying to BUY her interest. And she can’t feel like you’re out of her league, if you’re trying to purchase her love. Instead give her the greatest gift in the world – give her something to wonder about!
— Doing Her Favors:
Fixing her sink, helping her move, picking her cousin up from the airport. These all give her the #2 feeling. You’re giving her apples.
However, If you want her to have the #1 feeling in the world, you should allow her do favors for you. Let her chip in and help out now and then. Give her an assignment. If you’re making craft cocktails, give her the mission of going out and finding the best fruit. An orange, perhaps?
— Confessing Your Feelings:
Here’s the problem with talking about your feelings – until she’s in LOVE with you (100% interest) she doesn’t care about your feeling. I was going to say she doesn’t give a flying “blank” about your feelings, but I thought that might be a bit much… LOL
The other issue with confessing your feelings, is that now she knows that you have the #1 feeling for her, The cat is out of the bag. And so now it becomes impossible for her to have the #1 feeling about you.
You can’ t BOTH be out of each others leagues. If you want her to have the #1 feeling for you, let he confess her feelings to you first, so it feels like it was her idea.
Plus, when you wait for her to talk about her feeling for you first, you will know that it’s the RIGHT TIME to reveal yours. Again, she doesn’t care about your feelings until she has feelings for you, And the only way to make sure that she has feelings for you, is to wait until she brings it up FIRST.
— Complimenting Her Looks (Validation):
Calling her “beautiful” all the time gives her the #2 feeling in the world. Yes, women like when you notice that she got dressed up, But she doesn’t want you to act overly impressed (as if you’ve never seen a beautiful woman before) Give her one small compliment per date (ie. you like nice) and she will have that #1 feeling of wanting to win you over.
Remember, everybody likes to get compliments, but it means more when you feel that the person giving you the validation is slightly above you. (a #1 feeling guy)
— Making Her “Your #1 ” Focus
Bottom line, if you make her your #1, then she can’t have the #1 feeling for you. Therefore, you need a different #1 in your life to focus on. Your career, a passion, volunteering.
If you make her the #2 focus in your life (or 1A) , she will always have the #1 feeling of trying to win you over and earn that top spot. Even when in reality, she doesn’t want it. Strange, right? Welcome to the world of women.
These are all examples of giving her apples – apples are the second best gift you can give a woman.
A few examples of giving her ORANGES (the #1 gift) would be:
- giving her the gift of missing you
- diffusing her tests with HUMOR
- slowing her down and making her earn it
- calmly setting boundaries (saying NO) and having standards
- being a gentleman but not a pushover
So the only question I have for you is, knowing what you know now…
Are you going to give her apples or are you going to give her oranges?
The Great “Apple” Competition
aka – the battle for second place
Ever wonder why when you ask a good friend (or another woman) to give you advice on your “situation” – they always come back and say:
Buy her flowers, tell her how you feel, surprise her with a gift, do something special!
They don’t mean to lead you in the wrong direction.
It’s just that they think you win the game of LOVE by being the guy who’s the best at giving her the 2ND BEST feeling in the world.
In other words, they think you win the game by being the best APPLE
Like the Reality TV show “The Bachelorette”, they see romantic love as a competition between a bunch of guys, all trying to give her the 2ND BEST feeling in the world.
What they don’t realize is that even if you do somehow win the game by being the best APPLE, you will still lose her to a guy who gives her the #1 feeling in the world (an ORANGE)
Here’s why –
Advanced Class: She (secretly) Resents You
Despite all of the the validation you give her, there’s also a small part of her that resents that YOU have the #1 feeling in the world and SHE doesn’t.
You’ve got your ORANGE!
And she sees how happy you are with that BIG SILLY GRIN on your face. You’re in heaven! And she’s stuck settling for APPLES (2nd best feeling)
That’s why despite doing everything she wants, you sometimes wonder –
Why is she so moody? Why is she seeing a therapist? Why did she get so upset when I forgot to put my plate in the sink?
It’s because she only has the 2ND BEST feeling in the world for you and she desperately wishes she had the #1 feeling.
So the next time you wonder why she’s in another one of her bad moods, now you know.
She Wants What YOU Have
Consider this exchange between one of my clients and a girl he loves that has him in the “friend zone”
- Client: May I ask why you stay with me (as friends)?
- Girl: That is a very good question. I don’t know how to answer it without giving the wrong impression, but I’ll do my best. I think there is a part of me that keeps hoping that one day things will turn out the way I want them to.
- Client: And how to do you want things to turnout?
- Girl: THAT I GET THE SAME FEELINGS YOU HAVE!!!
She keeps you around as a “friend” because you check all her boxes and she hopes that somehow you will find a way to create that amazing feeling for her. The same amazing feeling you already have. But every time you talk about your amazing feelings for her, it’s just another reminder that she doesn’t have the same feeling for you. And it makes her mad.
Second Place Is Never Enough (…You Can’t Fill That Hole)
Consolation Prize (def) a prize, usually of minor value, given to the loser or runner-up in a contest or competition (aka: the 2ND BEST feeling in the world)
The sad part is, in the end, the 2ND BEST feeling will never be enough for her.
Despite being the best APPLE this world has ever seen –
a guy who’s perfect on paper (good looking with a great job). And puts her on a pedestal. Not to mention, she also gets to be in charge of the relationship (so unlike you, she never has to fear being rejected).
She still feels that something is missing.
Now that alone would be bad enough.
But it’s what she fills that “missing” feeling with that should scare you.
To make up for you being an APPLE (not giving her the #1 feeling) she will try to control you more and more. And no matter how hard you try, you can never fill that hole with more gifts, favors, flowers or compliments.
You could temporarily DISTRACT her from the fact that you’re an apple with an engagement ring or a $100,000 wedding.
But even if you bought her a mansion, she will still crave that feeling of trying to win over a guy that she feels is “above” her level.
And eventually she’ll leave you, to go chase that dream.
Final Word: Being an Apple Is Tempting (But Dangerous)
It tempting to want to be an apple.
Because being a “nice guy” kind of (…sort of) works.
Women seem to enjoy it. I mean they don’t scream at you when you put them on a pedestal.
And we’ve all occasionally seen the nice guy get the girl. Or marry her. The problem is, he got her the wrong way. He got the girl as an apple. And that will always come back to “bite” him. (pun intended)
Here’s why –
- #1 There’s a TON of competition between the billions of other apples in the world (ie. nice guys who are great on paper and put her on a pedestal)
- #2 She will want to make up for the fact that you’re an apple by controlling the relationship, being in charge and making you constantly jump through hoops to keep her
- #3 Despite being the perfect apple, she will eventually get bored and leave you to chase an orange (which will break your heart)
Final word:
The #1 feeling in the world is EMOTIONAL (I feel so great around him). The #2 feeling is LOGICAL (he’s perfect on paper and he likes me).
The #1 feeling in the world is liking someone. The 2nd best feeling is when someone likes you.
The Four #2 Feelings (50%)
- Attractive: Looks, Status, Masculine etc.
- Pleasure
- Pedestal (validation)
- Control (being in charge, having the power) by getting you to “buy in” and take things seriously