If you can ace the conversation part of dating (the verbal connection) and also the “VIBE” part of dating (the non-verbal connection) she can’t help but fall for you.
But what is the secret to having an attractive conversation?
Well, I think the old dating advice still holds true today:
- No heavy subjects: politics, wars, covid
- No negatives: how you lost your job, felt isolated as a child
- No put downs: talking bad about someone, like an ex-girlfriend
Keep things light.
Keep things positive
Make her laugh and have fun.
It’s Hard To Be/Stay Positive (No Negatives)
One of the hardest things for human beings to do is avoid talking about “negative” topics. Our brains seem “hardwired” to focus on the bad stuff.
So it’s going to take everything you’ve got to stay positive at all times.
To resist taking about that bad sunburn you got in Puerto Rico. Or the terrible traffic you faced on the way over. Or the latest Johnny Depp gossip.
The rule isn’t just a few negatives. It’s NO negatives. Not even one.
But Chris, what if she starts talking about negative stuff?
Well, like when your Aunt Judy brings up Trump at Thanksgiving dinner, it’s YOUR job to steer the conversation in the right direction.
Ignore unhelpful topics that veer towards the depressing.
Don’t fall into the… “this topic will make me look deep” trap.
Sure you guys are connecting, but you are connecting over NEGATIVES. (and then she will associate those negative emotions with you)
And the more you talk to her about “negatives” the more she will want to. Remember, the negative challenge refuses to talk about any of this stuff. Hey says, I don’t want to hear about your sisters problems, I told you she’s a LOON.
Coaching: Focus On “Feelings” Over Facts
Some of my students have a hard time with the “conversation” part of dating. They get nervous that they’re coming across as BORING to her.
There’s an easy fix –
One of the simplest things you can do to improve your “conversation game” is to focus on “feelings” not “facts”
In other words –
It’s not about where she lives or what she does for a living (facts). Instead ask her how she FEELS about where she lives. Why does she like it? Why did she choose it?
Same thing with her work. How does she FEEL about it? What got her interested in that field. What does she feel is the future of the industry?
I don’t care if a woman lives in the middle of nowhere and works in insurance, If you ask her how she feels about what’s important to her – the conversation will always be interesting.
The trick is to be interested in her without giving compliments.
Seductive Listening
Another secret of attractive conversation is that you want to LISTEN more than you TALK
For this, I have a technique I call “seductive listening“
There’s a right way to listen and a wrong way to listen.
The wrong way to listen is to act like everything she says is the most amazing thing you’ve ever heard and you’re just happy to be there. Another common mistake is nodding your head like a bobble head doll.
This allows you to listen to her without ending up in the “friend zone” and becoming her therapist
Another great thing about keeping your mouth shut and listening is that you will appear more MYSTERIOUS
Most guys can’t wait to spill their guts in the first 30 minutes of meeting her. What’s the rush?
Is it better if you tell her you’re a successful CEO (bragging) or is it better if she has to dig and dig to find out on her own.
Plus, when you open your ears and listen – you’ll learn some interesting things about this girl you’re on a date with.
Key Lesson: I’ve watched hundreds of hours of dating shows like Blind Date and the #1 complaint from women is that guys talk too much and don’t LISTEN
Listening = You Are The Prize
But here’s the BEST part about LISTENING:
When she’s the one doing a majority of the talking, she will instinctively feel like she is trying to IMPRESS you.
Like you are QUALIFYING her.
And it will feel like you are the PRIZE
The best thing I’ve hard a girl say is: I feel like I’m interview for a job
Or that she’s AUDITIONING
Using “attractive communication” is what makes her chase you.
Disagree With Her (Once)
A common “conversation mistake” is agreeing with everything she says. Even if you feel the complete opposite way.
However, there’s really no need to always agree, because disagreeing with her actually makes you more attractive.
It doesn’t have to be something BIG either. Even saying that you didn’t like that movie that she keeps raving about, can lead to a very interesting conversation. So always make it a point to disagree with her at least ONCE during the date.
My favorite line for when she says something I don’t agree with is:
Her: Stranger Things is hands down the best show on Netflix ever
Me: Eh, I don’t know about that.
And even if you do agree, you can always play the role of “devils advocate”. So if she’s into a show (and you like it to) you can still say – yeah, but what about the people who say that’s it’s too fake or that the characters aren’t likeable.
Now you are taking the other side of the argument and showing her you’re not going to agree with everything she says – just to make her like you.
Negative Topics Put You In The Friend Zone
You should be putting on a clown show, not a “psychology today” seminar
Talking about NEGATIVES, playing her THERAPIST or trying to be her MENTOR = THE FRIEND ZONE
Some women will try and TEST you by talking about her “issues”. She wants to see if you’ll start giving her “advice” or try to be “her savior”
She’ll talk about her car getting towed or the rent money she put in her shoe but somehow lost at the beach.
And if you chime in with the “I know how to fix it for you” speech – You’re headed straight to the FRIEND ZONE!
So what should you do?
Always remember to keep it deadpan. (non-reactive). Don’t say much or get caught up in all the “drama”
Like I said, she is testing you to see if you’re going to take this stuff seriously and try to become her Dr. Phil.
I know it can be very hard to resist giving advice to anyone, let alone women. And especially when you think you have some good “life lessons” to share.
Older guys with life experience are especially vulnerable to this trap.
But DO NOT do it.
Sorry man, you’re not Tony Robbins.
Don’t turn into the mentor, “motivational speaker” or her “positive quotes” machine.
Just keep quiet and use seductive listening.
Or prepare to hear how she doesn’t want to ruin the great friendship you guys have by going on a romantic date with you.
Play The RIGHT Role (Romantic Partner)
For any guy contemplating “connecting with her over negatives” or giving her “life advice”, consider this:
Her Best Friend has heard about her dramas and negatives so many times, that even she doesn’t listen to her much anymore (she just goes through the motions)
And no “negative challenge” boyfriend from her past has ever entertained this drama either, he texts her back….
YOU’RE BORING ME!
So when she comes across a “nice guy” (you) that’s actually going to listen to her and actually give her good advice, she gets REALLY EXCITED !!!!!
It’s like getting a brand new therapist after your old one has heard all of your stories dozes of times.
SO, when you mentor her, give her advice etc. I wouldn’t say it gives her a BAD feeling, it just gives her a DIFFERENT feeling – and that “different feeling” is NOT the feeling of being in love. (it may even be more noble)
And maybe in the grand scheme of things, BEING A GREAT LISTENER AND MENTOR would help her life more than being her romantic partner would. But let me be clear – you will NEVER be the guy she kissing at the end of the night.
Also, keep this in mind. When you talk about your negative experiences, she now knows she has a PARTNER in negativity, someone to complain with. She listened to all of your problems, so now it’s only fair that you help her with hers (DOH!)
I’d say 90% of the time, when a woman drops you (or breaks dates), the excuse is usually all of the stress and drama she’s been dealing with. Which you can’t really disagree with, because that’s all you guys ever talk about (aka seeding the breakup excuse)
Look, everyone plays a role in her life.
No role is better, they are just different.
Your role is be the clown (humor) and keep things positive
There will be plenty of other people willing to take on the therapist/mentor/inspirational roles (let them do it)
Leave Some Room For Mystery
Women are VERY curious in general.
Especially when she meets a “new guy” that she’s interested in. She wants to know everything about you (and fast)
Now, from your perspective, you’re totally cool with all this – because nobody (let alone a beautiful woman) has taken such an interest in your life in quite a while.
Rarely does anyone ever ask about your job or your hobbies. And it’s been forever since you got a chance to give your side about that “bad breakup” you had. Or your uncle who died suddenly.
But revealing all of this stuff too soon (especially all of the negative stuff) is a HUGE mistake. Just because she wants to know, doesn’t mean that you have to tell her.
Think of it like this –
You’re like a NEW puzzle she wants to figure out, but if she solves the puzzle too soon, she’ll get bored and move on to something else. (you can only have fun solving a puzzle once)
The trick is slowly reveal the details about your life (don’t be evasive) but also leave some room for mystery. Make her work to figure you out over a handful of dates.
Too many guys can’t wait to talk about all of their insecurities (or brag about all of their accomplishments) before they’ve even gotten a second date.
Go slow!