“I’m addicted to you, don’t you know that you’re toxic” – Britney Spears
“Women don’t love JERKS, women love CHALLENGE” – Chris Sixty
REJECTION is the Ultimate Form Of Challenge
You know who she’s COMPARING you to right?
Yep.
THIS GUY.
The Negative Challenge
Listen to this first:
Every girl has at least one guy from her past (a lot of times from her recent past) who for whatever reason, just wasn’t into her. Let’s call this guy “Spike”. Picture him as the type of guy Taylor Swift would write a whole album complaining about.
He could be that ex-boyfriend who broke her heart and cheated. The “bad boy” who doesn’t even want a relationship with her. Or the “player” who refuses to settle down with ONLY one girl.
Her last relationship was 2 years ago with a complete psychopath that required intervention, so I think we hit it off too quickly and I did not give her space when she needed it.
– Mike
I call these guys the 3 ghosts of her “unattainable” past. And every girl has them. So you’d be right to be AFRAID!
YOU ARE COMPETING AGAINST “REJECTION”!
Now, I’m not telling you that you need to be a “player” or “bad boy” to get this girl to like you. But just don’t be naive about WHO your competition is. Your competition is REJECTION (the memory of the old boyfriend who rejected her)
Most guys make the mistake of thinking their competition is “dating apps” or the other guys hanging around her (not true) – it’s the negative challenge of her past.
Even if this guy is long gone, you are still competing with the MEMORY of the FEELING he created. It would be like if she used to do drugs (and really enjoyed it) but quit. She may no longer use drugs, but she still remembers the intense PLEASURE and HIGH. So she’s looking for that same high (feeling) again, but from something (someone) else.
Chris, what does any of this have to do with me?
Well, when you rush in guns blazing – and put her on a pedestal, send roses to her work and confess your feelings after just two dates…
It’s no surprise when she starts pulling away and tells you she needs to take a “break”
Here’s the way I always looked at dating: Be the best CATCH available – out of the pool of guys that allow themselves to be CAUGHT.
Meaning, you don’t have to pretend to be a “bad boy” or a “jerk”. Or try and make it seem like you’re dating ten other women.
No. You always treat her like a gentleman and be romantic when she earns it.
But you have to realize that in one way or another – you’re always competing with the ghost of these “unattainable” guys.
After all, being REJECTED is the ultimate form of CHALLENGE. Nothing lights up her brain like being told NO. And she remembers that feeling.
And so you’re never going to win this competition by showering her with expensive gifts or being her “on call” errand boy.
This is serious business man!
Listen closely….
You MUST Give Her a Challenge
The only way to beat the “unattainable guy” is to become a POSITIVE challenge.
Have a busy life. Value your time. Get off social media. Stop all the texting. Don’t talk about your “feelings”
But at the same time, make her laugh and always show her a FUN time.
Then get the heck out of there and give her some space.
A positive challenge will always beat a negative one. But first you have to start actually being a CHALLENGE. It’s the only shot you have against these “bad boys” of her past
Client Story. #1: Her ex-boyfriend is a complete jerk and treats her like dirt. He also talks down to her and never does what he promises. But now she’s telling me that she’s confused and doesn’t know who to choose. Chris, I always treat her like gold and even her parents love me. She tells me this guy is a snake and a lair, but she still wants to get back with him. Please help!
Story #2: I’m a very caring guy who has totally spoiled her, yet she is unwilling to commit. She says she loves me and that she isn’t looking for someone else, yet she refuses to settle down even though she dated a complete loser that abused her verbally for two years.
Story #3: I was dating a girl and it was going amazing, but then she left me for her EX and said that she didn’t know why. She knows I’m the best for her long term, but there’s something about him even though he’s a “bad boy”. However, she doesn’t want to regret not giving it another shot even though he’s already cheated on her. She tells me she cant lose me and we will be fine in the long term, but I’m going crazy and I’m pushing her away even more – but she still calls me everyday when she leaves his house on her way to work. This has been going on for almost 2 months now and I just wanna change this behavior and I honestly want her back fully not just when its convenient to her.
Now, your first reaction after reading these stories may be to say –
Chris, this just proves that women only love jerks and bad boys!
But that’s not how I see it. To me this proves that – if being a “negative challenge” works this well, just imagine what being a POSITIVE challenge can do (more on this later)
No Challenge, Equals No Chance
These are the guys who presented her with the ULTIMATE form of CHALLENGE.
Rejection.
I call these guys “negative challenges” because no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t win them over. For whatever reason, he just didn’t want to have a relationship with her.
Okay listen up… Here’s what this means for you and why it’s so important:
Every girl has a vivid MEMORY of loving a guy who didn’t like her back (aka the ultimate challenge) – Therefore, there is no way she will EVER become your girlfriend, if you don’t at least give her some kind of challenge.
No challenge, equals No chance.
That’s why when you confess your feelings and send her roses after the first date (ZERO challenge) – she compares that behavior to her ex-boyfriend SNAKE who ignored her texts and hit on her best friend while she was in the hospital (negative challenge)
Like it or not, you will always be compared with these “unattainable” bad boys from her past.
Who Was Her Guy With the “Dragon Tattoo”?
Step one in every new coaching case is finding out who the negative challenge of her past was,
And step two, I need to determine how big of a negative challenge was he? The BIGGER the “negative challenge”, the BETTER the positive challenge you’ll need to be to erase his memory.
For example, are we talking about some guy she liked who never called her back after a few dates? Or are we talking about a psycho ex-boyfriend who spent 18 months in jail, is old enough to be her dad and has a life size tattoo of a tiger on his back.
Coaching Point:
Keep your ears open and pay attention, because every girl will bring this “guy” up at some point.
You may hear her say things like…. “I want to go slow. I just need time to heal after a very toxic relationship”. Only to find out later that her “toxic” relationship lasted 5 years. Isn’t it funny how her bad relationships seem to last an eternity, but she’s already getting rid of “Mr. Nice Guy” after 2 dates.
So whenever you’re tempted to feel bad because BRUNO cheated on her. Or you rationalize by saying, she just has bad luck picking the wrong guys. Remember that SHE choose him over all the other nice guys that really, really liked her. Wake up, it wasn’t an accident. And despite all of his bad behavior, she keeps on going back to him.
Circling back to our apples and oranges comparison, the negative challenge is like a ROTTEN orange (but he’s still an orange). And women will still chose a rotten orange over a NICE apple.
She’s DYING for a Challenge (Literally)
This will make you laugh –
I worked with a guy who was dating a a woman who’s “negative challenge” ex-boyfriend passed away. Now here’s the thing – she actually turned down a date with him to go and see a psychic medium. And she was hoping this “medium” would allow her communicate with her ex-boyfriend from the “great beyond”.
The Lesson: if you’re a challenge, she will keep on chasing you into the after-life. Women are so used to always being put on a pedestal, that she’s literally dying for someone (anyone) to give her some kind of challenge.
Or how about this doozy.
This girl was having life threatening heart issues due to the stress of dating a negative challenge. Her doctor warned her SHE COULD DIE! But did she leave him? Oh no, she kept right on dating this guy.
The Lesson: Women are literally risking their lives to get some kind of challenge. They are so used to guys kissing their (you know what) and doing whatever they want, that she will risk it all… just to enjoy the feeling of a challenge.
Why?
Because negative challenge gives her the #1 feeling in the world: I feel like I have to work really hard to win this guy over
But remember –
A big part of that feeling is based on the fact that he rejected her. Not because he’s some amazing catch. So in realty, the negative challenge is just an illusion. A paper tiger. However, you still must be enough of a positive challenge to erase his memory.
There are 3 types of negative challenges:
- Level 1: The “I didn’t like her” (rejection) could be a guy who just didn’t want to commit or settle down with one girl
- Level 2: the typical jerk/bad boy: guy who didn’t like her AND also created drama/excitement (cheated, arguing, police)
- Level 3: the sociopath: guy who put her down, was verbally abusive or tried to control her (the most dangerous type)
If you’re having troubling understanding what I mean, remember that we’ve all been the 1st type of “negative challenge” – by accident.
We’ve all had that one girl who really liked us, that we just weren’t that into. And because we sort of rejected her, she became more and more obsessed with us. And if someone else likes that same girl and puts her on a pedestal, YOU will be the reason that he never gets her. (crazy, huh)
You’re Not “The Bad Boy”
A lot of guys that study dating advice become curious about the ways of the negative challenge. They think if they could just create some drama or make her jealous, then she would finally fall for him. They want to go straight from being the “nice guy” – to being the “bad boy”
Here’s 3 reason why that strategy will never work:
#1 – THE FAKE
First, you can’t copy the negative challenge because you actually like this girl, a lot. There is no way you’ll be able to do the things he does when you have 100% interest in her. It will fall flat and she’ll eventually realize that you’re just a wimp pretending to be a negative challenge (she can spot a fake)
#2 – BREAKING BAD
Second, once you use “negative challenges” you have to keep increasing the drama or it loses it’s effect. Last week you ignored her calls and went on a date with her best friend. Next week you have to borrow her car without permission and get into an accident.
Top that drama next week by asking her to borrow $500 bucks and gambling it all away. You become like that show Game of Thrones. Each week you have to keep topping the last episodes drama, just to keep her watching.
#3: The TRAP
Even if it works, being a negative challenge traps you. That’s because the thing she likes best about you now, the behavior that is attracting her, is that you don’t like her. So the moment you start being nice (or you tell her that you want a relationship with her) – that negative challenge “spell” is broken.
Negativity always leaves behind a “TOXIC residue” that ruins the relationship. For example, when he cheats she may still feel attraction – because other women want him, but all of that hurt and negativity guarantees this will never be a loving relationship. You will never truly own her heart, even if she stays. And I’ll tell you this, even if she does like your negative challenge, you won’t like what you end up with.
Final Words
Lastly, you wouldn’t want to be a negative challenge anyway. Some of these guys don’t have the “emotional wiring” to love anyone. Some have been hurt by a girl in their past and vowed to never love any woman again, so they wouldn’t have to feel pain.
Others are just truly bad people who take the pain they felt and now put it on another person. However, like all of my clients, I know that you are a good person. A quality human being. You’re a nice guy and I say that as a compliment.
This is (Actually) Great News!
Before you get all depressed, realize that this is actually great news.
This PROVES two very important things:
#1) The fact that she DATED a negative challenge proves she’s going to be even more excited when she finally meets a positive challenge
#2) And the fact that she STAYED with a negative challenge for so long, just proves that she won’t be able to “walk away” from your positive challenge,
So when you’re all nervous that you haven’t messaged her back right away or you worry that she’ll forget about you if you don’t see her 5 times a week – realize that she can’t walk away form you.
She may be frustrated, but she secretly loves it! Remember we’ve already proved this girl LOVES a challenge.
The fact is, the negative challenge is a very TOUGH COMPETITOR. In every successful long term relationship I’ve enjoyed, I’ve had to overcome one.
Nice women who are GIVERS are even susceptible to this. When you’re a hammer, you are always looking for nails. They’re loving and giving nature makes them want to take on this PROJECT and FIX him. All he needs is LOVE she thinks. I can change him.
In our next lesson I’ll share the secret for beating the negative challenge and winning her heart (the positive way).