Your gut is telling you that something is off.
She’s touching you less. Not laughing as hard at your jokes. Somethings changed, but you can’t quite put your finger on it.
Yep, she’s starting to pull away.
Now, if you can recognize her non-verbal WARNING signs, you still have time to turn things around.
Unfortunately, most guys are completely blind to her “low interest” signals and don’t change fast enough.
We Need “To Talk”
Obviously your goal is to avoid hearing… “we need to TALK”. But the million dollar question is, what TRIGGERS the TALK?
Well, it’s pretty simple.
When you PRESSURE her, you TRIGGER the talk. And when you’re acting too NEEDY, you trigger the talk. And when you try too hard OR think you can buy her with gifts, you trigger the talk.
Now, the main problem with TRIGGERING the talk isn’t just that it hurts. The real problem is that now her “low interest” in you has been VERBALIZED.
She may have just been THINKING that she needs some space, but once she actually verbalizes that thought OUT LOUD, it becomes REAL. It’s out there in the UNIVERSE.
Her rejection becomes part of the official “relationship record” and now it’s much harder to turn things around.
So what can you do?
Well, for starters you need to recognize when her interest is slipping BEFORE you ever hear…. “we need to talk”.
And once you recognize the signs, step #2 is making the necessary changes to raise her interest back up.
Most Guys “Double Down” On Their Mistakes
Unfortunately, most guys think that when a woman pulls away that means he needs to try harder.
And see her more often. Or tell her how he feels. Or prove to her how much he really like her. (here’s a favorite: Chris, maybe she doesn’t know how much I like her)
In other words, they double down on their mistakes.
Guys, it’s just the opposite.
When her interest starts to slip and you TRY harder, you trigger the talk. You back her into a corer where she has no choice but to breakup with you. She was hoping to just get some space without officially having to tell you, but once you said…
“What’s going on with us?”
“So when am I going to see you again?”
“Why didn’t you text me back, didn’t you get my text?”
Yep, you just TRIGGERED the big talk. She couldn’t hide her “low interest” anymore and now she starts to feel GUILTY
Here’s the secret –
When you sense her pulling away, act as if she already gave you the talk (don’t wait to actually hear it) and adjust your behavior accordingly.
Pullback your attention, see her less, make her laugh more and wait for her to initiate things with you.
If you do that, you can start raising her interest back up, without ever hearing those 4 dreaded words –
“We need to TALK”
Never Verbalize “The Non-Verbal Game”
What’s wrong? Is everything okay? You’ve been acting different lately.
You just verbalized the game. You just talked about “fight club.
But the bigger issue is that now you’ve HIGHLIGHTED and brought ATTENTION to the fact that there’s a problem.
Before it was just an idea bouncing around in her head. But now her sinking interest in you has become REAL because it’s been verbalized (and out in the open).
Never make her rejection more REAL than it has to be. By having long talks about it or discussing what’s going to happen or changes that are going to take place.
And don’t even give me the old – but I don’t want to play games Chris. Of course there’s a “game” going on. But the person who CRACKS first and needs to verbalize it, is the LOSER. And the person who can keep their cool under pressure and doesn’t react is the WINNER.
Plus, just asking her “what’s wrong?” lowers her feelings for you even more. You should already know what’s wrong and how to fix it. And if you fixed it without talking about it, it would have felt as if it never happened.
Never “Talk” About Your Relationship
I know a guy’s in trouble when he tells me he and his girlfriend “talked” about the relationship. You should NEVER be talking about the relationship. Ever.
First, do you really think you can raise her interest in you by having a talk? Relationships are magical and mysterious. They are based on feelings and emotions, not logic.
But more importantly –
if you talk about the relationship, everything you say and do will be used against you. Oh, you thought you were in a “safe space” and that it was okay to “share” your feelings. Think again.
I think this clip from the movie “Old School” sums up best what I mean:
You guys don’t have to have a “meeting” to discuss the current state of your relationship. Where you “logically” go over all the changes you are going to make using excel spreadsheets and pie charts.
Again, relationships are emotional not logical.
And the fact that you don’t know that, makes her like you even less.
Verbal Warning (Red Alert)
When you don’t take the hint or miss the signs altogether, her next move is to give you a VERBAL warning:
I call this the SLOW DOWN SPEECH
This is where she says
I want to take things slow. Let’s get to know each other naturally. I just need some time to myself. But I still want this to work.
Her current interest in you: 51%
I call this a 51% breakup speech because her interest in you is still on the plus side (meaning it can still be raised). However make no mistake, you are barely hanging on by a thread.
So how you handle things starting NOW, makes all the difference.
The Wrong Way
First let’s talk about the #1 mistake guys make: Chasing harder when she pulls away.
Usually, when she says she needs space, the guy shows up at her doorstep that same night and gets all emotional, He begs her to reconsider. Or he tries to “talk” her into having FEELINGS for him again (hey, good luck with that)
Always remember this – the harder you chase her, the further you end up pushing her away.
Example From a Client: I randomly got a text from her saying she ” Didn’t know if she wanted a boyfriend right now”. I immediately went to her house, and unfortunately got emotional and persuaded her that was the wrong thing to do. After she pushed me away, I got very needy. Then I got “Friend Zoned”. I haven’t seen her since.
Words and Logic Mean Absolutely Nothing
Sometimes you come out of these situations with a new relationship contract. My favorite is when clients say- we both agreed that we’re now going to be friends with “possible benefits”. And just take things slow.
You both agreed? LOL.
More like she told you that’s the way it’s going to be and you had to accept it or else. Plus, there are not such things as “legal contracts” when it comes to love. Again, love is emotional not logical. So forget all these relationship “contracts” – they mean absolutely nothing.
(everything she says and does is based on her interest in you at that specific moment. That could all change in a week, a day or even in an hour. Don’t buy into it.)
A lot of guys I coach want to believe in “fairness”
For example – I always did everything for her, so she should give me another chance. Sorry to say, but unlike the love you get from your family, romantic love comes with conditions, And the #1 condition is that she has to FEEL attraction for you. She has to be interested. How you feel about her doesn’t count.
Don’t Buy In (Heavy History)
Trying to understand romantic love is like trying to play a game of Monopoly if the rules kept changing based on her current level of interest in you.
The main problem with breakups is that they add a heavy feeling and “seriousness” to the relationship. When in reality, relationships are supposed to be light and fun.
So once the split happens, that’s all she wants to talk about. She wants to constantly go over WHAT went wrong, WHY it went wrong and how she feels about it.
For example –
She told me that people can not change. She is a strong believer the “5 love languages” and she is words of affirmation and physical touch. She says that I am acts of service and quality time. I am “greatly hurt ” by this because someone can change if they truly want too.
In his mind, she left him because they have different “love languages”. He’s bought in to this. He’s hurt by this. When the truth is, he lowered her interest and killed the attraction by being too serious, not being a challenge and reacting too much. So bring more humorous and challenging is what he needs to change to get her back – not his “love language”.
Here’s my point –
If you buy into any of her “talk” and try to fix the wrong things, you will never get her interest back. Remember, anything she’s saying today is based on her current level of interest for you RIGHT NOW. And right now, her interest is LOW.
So she is searching for an explanation. She’s rationalizing. Even she doesn’t realize that the real reason she lost the feeling is because you got too serious and you weren’t a challenge.
However, if you start doing things right, her rationalizations and explanations could suddenly (magically) all change. And this could happen in one day, a week or even a month.
So don’t buy into any of this “we have different love languages” so we can’t date propaganda. Politely change the subject and get back to making her laugh. That is the ONLY road back.
What You Should Do
The simple answer is, let her initiate more.
It has to be her idea to get things going again.
If she says she needs space, tell her you were thinking the EXACT same thing. Don’t tell her that you agree with her. That’s not good enough. You have to say you were just thinking the EXACT same thing. Then make a joke and disappear for a while.
Even though saying that will absolutely crush you, its the only way to have a chance to get her interest back,
Or you can just say, OKAY… if that’s what you want. And leave it at that,
If she tries to downgrade the relationship to “friends” or potential “friends with benefits” … don’t tell her you won’t do that. Just say… Okay, if that’s what you want. Of course later on, you won’t be accepting those terms. (but don’t tell her that now)
By the way, you should always keep things lighthearted if you disappear for a few days/weeks. Because If she think you’re gone because you are sad and pouting, you won’t gain any attraction points. (you will just lose more) So make sure you act like everything is fine before you vanish.
And whatever she says about the “relationship”, don’t REACT.
If she says, I want to be friend s for now, don’t respond. The wimp says “I can’t be friends with you” (because it hurts too much) And the fake tough guy says I’m not your friend, I’m your lover (because he’s trying to be alpha)
The correct response is to say nothing. Stop talking. Keep your trap shut. If you raise her interest back up, I guarantee she won’t be talking about being friends anymore.
The End: 100% Breakup
This is serious.
If you start chasing her even harder when she pulls away, or you make the breakup feel SERIOUS and talk about it, the last stop is the 100% breakup.
Print this out and tape it to your wall:
“Hey, I wanted to be honest and share that after doing some thinking I don’t think this is the right fit for me. I wish you all the best and it was great to have met you take care.”
This is where she straight up tells you that it’s over, forever. Which basically means she has already found your replacement and you’re history.
Oh, the pain bro! – Joe Benningo
- The 25% Breakup: the “slow down” warning
- The 50% Breakup: need time, need space, but still wants to see you
- The 100% Breakup (1st one)
- The 1000% Breakup (2nd one) – it’s over forever