“You don’t give her SERIOUS attention over messaging. If she wants a more SERIOUS type of attention from you, she only gets that if she shows up for a one on one romantic. DATE“
Here’s my problem with messaging (and social media)
If you aren’t skilled at “digital flirting” you can blow your chances by sending just one unattractive message. You instantly turn her off and you are out. If this describes you – all the more reason to message her as least often as possible.
However:
Even if you’re really good at messaging, you still shouldn’t do it. I don’t care if you’re the worlds most attractive “texter” or social media champion. Because if she loves getting “attractive” messages from you, that means shes going to want to text you EVEN MORE.
And the more she texts you, the MORE it will reduce her desire to go out on an “in-person” date with you. And even if you get lucky and she still shows up, her excitement level will be way LOWER
In the first section, I explained how “communicating with her” becomes a problem – when the amount of “virtual attention” you give her, starts to reduce her motivation to see you in real life. And how it doesn’t take a lot of messages for that to happen.
I also have clients who say, But Chris… she messages me. True, and it’s your job to break her of that habit (politely of course). Because if you don’t, her falling interest will be blamed on you,
So now let’s look at the 3 phases of an “attractive” texting strategy.
Phase 1: The “Afterglow” Period (1-24 hours after the date)
“Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I had a lot of fun last night and I really enjoyed your company.”
Afterglow is the 24 hour window of time immediately after a great date. Where you just said goodbye, but you both still have that strong desire to contact each other.
Now, hopefully you can resist the urge to send her a message – because sometimes she will text you FIRST with “I had a great time” or “hope you got home safe”.
This is what I call a “thank you for the date” text. And is she sends it before you do, she will feel like she is chasing you. (By the way, girls who aren’t interested don’t send thank you for the date texts. So it’s a good sign)
Now, in this case, I don’t really mind you responding, because you’re both coming off the HIGH of a great time together. However, this is isn’t an excuse to get into a long back and forth and message until 4am. You just spent two or three hours together on the date.
Slow down cowboy.
And if she does send a message, I even recommend waiting until the next morning to respond. Sure, she will be frustrated with you, (constantly checking her phone and cursing your name) But in the morning when you finally reply, all is forgiven and she will like you even more.
Phase 2: The “Wondering” Period (3-5 Days after the date)
The next phase of an attractive communication strategy is all about disappearing, As in being 100% gone.
Not sending a random text, or liking her latest “snap’ or forwarding her a funny meme. That’s considered only being 50% gone and that’s not going to cut it if you want to give her the #1 feeling in the world.
In fact, you want her wishing it was you every time her phone buzzes only to be disappointed when it’s that “other guy” she doesn’t like.
This is when she feels the most “uncertain” because she has no date with you scheduled yet.
Like we covered in the last lesson, you will never be able to make her fall in love simply by what you do on the dates. So it’s absolutely crucial that you give her 3-5 days of uninterrupted wondering time before you see her again. Let her mull it over it with her girlfriends trying to figure you out.
BONUS: By giving her the 3-5 days of wondering time and uncertainty, you also give her a chance to INITIATE WITH YOU FIRST. If she’s dying to see you, she can reach out first. She can ask you out, We want it to feel like she is chasing us.
Now, I know what you’re thinking…What if she texts me?
Well, if she does, do not ignore her. Ignoring girls is a “negative challenge” and we’re all about being a positive challenge here.
So what you will do is this:
- answer her question in a funny way
- tell her that you are going to be busy for the next few days
- then tell her that you’ll be in touch soon
If she is constantly texting you then take it as sign that she is interested and set up the next date now. Or, if you really want to be a positive challenge – don’t respond to what she says – just type – So when are you going to ask me out?
Either you get the next date or she stops texting.
Pro Tip: Always Be “Positive” Busy
By the way, a big part of why you don’t text her a lot and why you’re not always available will be because you’re busy. But like most guys, don’t make the mistake of coming across as being negative busy.
Being “negative busy” is when you tell her that you’ve haven’t texted back because you’ve been swamped at work. That things have been HECTIC. Or that you’re stressed out about a difficult test that you have to study for. This all makes it sound like your life is in chaos and things are going bad for you.
Instead, convey the message that you’ve been positive busy. You’re busy but EXCITED.
Coaching example: I tell her I am focusing on my clients, my work and my courses, but that on Wednesday she has all of my attention.
Instead of it being HECTIC, you’re EXCITED about this new project at work. You just landed some new clients, so you’re pumped up about it. It should all sound like everything is going good for you. But unfortunately you don’t have a lot of time to text.
More Quick Texting Tips:
A good tip is to turn off your phone early at night. Because if you never see her text, you won’t be worried about not responding. It’s like checking work email. You may tell yourself, I’ll just check, but I’m NOT doing any work. (pinky swear)
However, once you see all those emails with upcoming work assignments, even if your plan was to ignore them, that feeling of anxiety haunts you. But if you never see them and you don’t know, it’ super easy. Your excuse, hey sorry – my phone was off. (which is true)
There’s also a lot of debate regarding how long you should wait to get back to her after she messages you. I’m not going to get into all that.
What I will say, is that even if you just wait 30 minutes to reply, it guarantees that you won’t ever get into a long back and forth text exchange. Because when instantly respond, she knows that you’re online and available. So the worst thing you can do is immediately respond to ANY message.
Phase 3: The Anticipation Period (3 Days Until The Date)
Okay, now comes the fun part.
If you handled the wondering period correctly, odds her interest in you is much higher than when it began. Translation, she is dying to hear from you.
This is where you call her up, chat for a minute or two and then close her for the date. Now before you whine – Chris, girls never answer their phones – this is the reason why you give her all those days of wondering.
Because when she sees your name pop up, she’s been so desperate to hear from you, that she jumps ten feet over her couch just to make sure she doesn’t miss your call.
Now, the date is set up. So let’s say it’s Tuesday and you made the date for Thursday at 8pm. From the moment you hangup, until the time of the date, you do not contact her for any reason.
Like the name implies, this is the ANTICIPATION phase – and we want her excited about seeing you. And she can’t be excited if you are texting her everyday leading up to the date.
Okay, so what if she texts you during this time? Here is where you can respond, but do it in a way that says “let’s save this conversation for the date”. Bonus points for adding some mystery and intrigue.
For Example:
She asks about your day and how your meetings went, and you reply:
- that story is best told over a glass of wine…LOL
- amazing! I’ll fill you in when we meetup
- I’ll catch you up on Thursday (you’re going to love this story)
- I’m excited about this. can’t wait to tell you more on our date
A great frame is: I’m really busy taking care of business NOW, so that we can have an awesome date and I can focus my attention on YOU. In other words, you may be busy and unavailable to message now, but it’s framed as benefiting her later.
MY WARNING:
Even if she agrees to the date, if you communicate with her too much beforehand, she will cancel.
Let me be clear – the 2-3 days period before the date is the most dangerous time to be texting with her.
As one of my clients just found out. He had a date set for Saturday, but texted with her for 30 minutes on Friday catching her up on everything he’s been doing. On Saturday she told him she wasn’t feeling well and unfortunately had to cancel.
Again, if you’re always available to chat before the date – why she should be MOTIVATED to come meet you in PERSON?
I Don’t Text Much
A good strategy is to start early by seeding the fact that you don’t text much. No need to go on a long rant, just tell her that you aren’t a big “texter”. This was she won’t expect much from you.
Same thing with social media. You can either tell her you never really got into it (don’t talk bad about it) or that you have an account but you only use it for business. Another good reason is that you’re employer checks social media so you don’t post on there. Which in a way, is true for all of us.
Afterglow, Wondering Time and Anticipation
“Don’t take away wondering time and kill anticipation!“
Here’s an example of how to pace yourself for success in dating: The 7-10 day formula: DT-AG–W-F-R-ANT-DT
- Day 1 (Thurs): a great exciting date where she had a lot of fun
- Day 2 (Fri) the afterglow of last nights date makes her feel amazing all day
- Day 3 (Sat) the afterglow fades a bit but she’s still enjoying it
- Day 4 (Sun) she spend time wondering when you’re going to call and when she will see you again
- Day 5 (Mon) she’s wondering a lot about you today, even starting to get a bit frustrated (I hate him)
- Day 6 (Tues) RELIEF: a call is placed, you chat for a few minutes and the next date is made
- Day 7 (Wed) she is happy that a date is on the books and she’s anticipating the next date
- Day 8 (Thurs) she is really anticipating the next date and is very excited!
- Day 9 (Fri) another great date and the cycle starts all over again
The point is this, if you see he again the very next day, she will feel no “afterglow” and get none of her precious wondering time. And if you message with her throughout week, you will kill anticipation. So she won’t be looking forward/excited about the upcoming date,
Afterglow, wondering time and anticipation are your 3 best friends during the dating phase. Don’t kill them!