Famous last words: “She already likes me, so I don’t need to give her any challenge”
Does Any of This Sound Familiar?
— I’ve felt a lot of pressure while you were here
— Things are moving too fast
— I don’t have the same level of feelings for you as you have for me
By far, the biggest mistake my clients make with women is moving too fast.
And it’s not even close.
They don’t realize that dating is a process where you have to slowly build her interest over time. But forget all that – they just want to start enjoying everything now! (instant gratification!)
You can go” too fast” in 3 ways:
- Availability: daily texting, seeing her too often
- Emotionally: confessing your feelings, excessive compliments and validation
- Physically: getting intimate too soon and not being a physical challenge
What’s Wrong With Going Fast?
The problem with going fast is – it DESTROYS the 3 main ingredients that produce the #1 feeling in the world.
And those ingredients are:
- I feel like I am chasing him
- I feel like I’m working hard for him
- I feel like I have to win him over
She can’t feel like she’s “chasing” you if you’re always around. She can’t feel like she had to “work hard”, if you’re already giving her everything she wants. She can’t feel like she’s trying to win YOU over, if you’ve already confessed how much you like HER.
Going too fast DESTROYS the #1 feeling in the world – I feel like I’m getting a guy out of my league – and it gives her the #2 feeling – it feels nice to be validated by a guy below my level.
Are you really “below” her level?
Well, if YOU are chasing HER – then yes, in her mind, you are beneath her. But the bottom line is this – you have the #1 feeling for her, and she only has the #2 feeling for you. And that imbalance will eventually doom your relationship.
Do You Suffer From PE?
Most of my clients come to me suffering with PE…
“Premature Enjoyment”.
Here’s the deal: The first 60 days of dating her (getting her to fall in love) is NOT about your ENJOYMENT. It’s only about raising her interest in you.
You guys want to have deep talks and 2 hour conversations. You guys want to text with her everyday. You guys want to confess your feelings and buy her stuff. It’s not time for that yet.
She’s NOT in love with you!
You’re trying to ENJOY the feeling of having a girlfriend “prematurely” It’s like a guy celebrating a touchdown before he reaches the end zone. You haven’t scored yet. So there’s nothing to enjoy. It’s time to be patient.
The first 60 days are all about giving her a challenge
— Letting her WONDER about you
— Going slow and letting her CHASE you
— Make her feel like she’s getting someone “out of her league”
Coaching Point:
The first 60 days creates the “story” of your relationship. A story that will last for 60 years if you end up marrying her. (And you can never go back and change that story) The first 60 days story is either – she feels like she had to chase you and win you over – or the story is you pursued her and eventually wore her down over time with persistence. Which story do you want?
It’s Not a Game (It’s a Display)
I have to laugh when one of my clients says – Chris, I don’t want to play games. Because this is not a game of playing hard to get, it’s a display of self-control.
Not wanting to play games is like a peacock saying, I’m not going to display my colorful feathers, but females should still be attracted to me anyway. Wishful thinking.
Watch This Video:
Basically the whole “game” comes down to one thing: Can you have high interest in her and still be able to show self-control and take things slow.
This is what the female needs to see if the man can display. This is the ultimate test. Patience and going slow when you really, really like her, are your “colorful feathers”.
Your Final Exam
So the final exam for being good with women isn’t about being good looking or having muscles. It’s not about having a great job or lots of money. It’s not about having the reputation of being a ladies man.
The final test women give you is: can you really (really) like her — and still be able to be patient, hang back, and politely slow her down. Until you can do that, to her, you’re just another average guy.
Remember, no matter how good looking or rich you are, when you come on too strong, it’s a dead giveaway that you aren’t truly #1 material. You are not an ORANGE
It Should Feel Hard
Until you get 60 days “in” with her having high interest, there is nothing to enjoy. In fact, it should feel hard. Even painful. Because to do this right you’re going to have to spend more time APART than together.
Either way there will be PAIN – so you can either take the pain of practicing “self-control” now, or deal with the pain of losing her later.
Once she’s “in love” and asks you to be her boyfriend (exclusive) – only then can the real fun begin. Because once you get to 60 days, we’re talking at least 12 months of absolute bliss if not more.
So would you rather have 60 days of enjoyment and 1 year of heartache and pain. Or 60 days or self-control and 12 month of ecstasy!
The fact is 90% of guys don’t make it past 60 days with her. And the #1 reason why is “premature enjoyment” or celebrating too soon. Guys try to take all the perks of “having a girlfriend” before they’ve gotten her to fall in love.
Remember. if you’re enjoying the first 60 days of dating too much, you’re probably NOT going to keep her.
You Almost Got Away With It
Availability is the antithesis of challenge ….
A lot of my newer clients get a little “testy” when I point out that they’re going way too fast and it’s a mistake.
They somehow want to believe that texting her everyday and seeing her 4 times every week isn’t killing her interest.
She seems pretty happy to me Chris, they say, with a hint of smugness in their voice. This is the same guy who’s working on his third divorce and just got dropped again after deciding to move a girl into his apartment after just 6 weeks.
But in a way, he’s right.
She does seem happy. At least for now. That’s because the mistake of going too fast doesn’t always show up right away. It’s not like you send one text and she instantly ends the relationship.
So you almost feel like you are getting away with it. That she’s not noticing. Chris is a fool, I can text her everyday and she’s still crazy about me. Until it comes time to pay all your speeding tickets.
You know, that moment where you check her phone and see that she’s been sending R-rated “snaps” to her ex-boyfriend. Or the text message that reads – I’d love to go to Vermont for the weekend with you, but I want to take things slow, so maybe some other time. (Slow? Last week this girl wanted to hangout five days in a row and she texts you like 10x a day)
To the untrained eye, it looks like her interest must have dropped for something you did yesterday. Or worse, you think she’s upset because you aren’t going fast enough. My favorite is, Chris, I think she’s just scared because she’s unsure about how much I like her. LOL.
But the truth is, when she says she wants to slow down or that she needs her space – it’s your penalty for going “too fast” weeks or sometimes even months ago.
It all just catching up with you now.
The Missing Ingredient (Time)
Write this down – You have her INTEREST, but you don’t yet have the TIME.
She has to be “under the spell” of high interest in you for at least 60 days. Think of it like like she’s been HYPNOTIZED and all she can think about is YOU. And the longer she’s under that spell, the more mistakes you can get away with.
But here’s the problem –
If she’s only been under the spell for 2 weeks, even if you make just ONE tiny mistake, she will “snap out of it” and end things. (it happens all the time)
However, if she’s your girlfriend and she’s had high interest in you for 6 months – you could make a bunch of mistakes and she would give you the time to correct them. She will give you a chance to RAISE her interest back up.
TRANSLATION: The more time she spends under the spell of high interest = more chances she gives you to correct your mistakes
That’s why you can’t get overconfident when she’s really into you after just 3 dates. Sure, it feels nice, but it doesn’t mean much until you get that TIME in.
Here’s where a lot of my coaching clients go wrong:
As soon as you notice that her interest in you is HIGH, there’s a temptation to forget all the rules and think that your situation is “special”. That you can text with her everyday. Or see her three times a week. Or go to that graduation party and meet all her friends.
But that’s the exact moment when she “snaps out of it” and realizes – wait a second, this is all going too fast.
Why did she start ignoring all your messages out of the blue? Because you made ONE mistake of going too fast. And because you didn’t have the TIME in, she didn’t allow you a chance to correct it.
One mistake and you were OUT! (it doesn’t seem fair does it)
Self Control: Your Only Competition Is YOU
Besides wanting to prematurely enjoy all of the benefits of having a girlfriend, (before she’s in love with you) guys make another BIG mistake.
They feel like if they don’t hurry up or if they hang back and wait, another guy will swoop in and steal her away.
Here’s How You Think:
If I don’t text her she will forget about me and message with another guy. If I don’t ask her out right away she may go on a date with someone else. If I don’t tell her how I feel, some other guy will say he loves her first and she will fall for him.
What you don’t realize is that you are never competing with another guy.
You are always competing against yourself.
The winner isn’t the guy who goes the fastest. The winner is the guy that can go the slowest.
So the only one who can make this girl drop you and chose another guy…. is YOU.
Never Pressure Her
Here’s a very important coaching point.
She can feel pressure, EVEN IF she likes you. Let me repeat that. She can feel PRESSURE, even if she’s really into you.
The Pressure Formula: She feels pressure anytime your interest in her (what you want from her) is HIGHER than her interest in you.
So, she could really like you (80% interest) – however if your interest is 100%, she is going to feel pressure. And she is going to pull away from you.
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The Right Pace
So what is the perfect pace to take things?
Well for starters, you want to keep your communication with her between dates to a minimum. (read: almost zero) And you should only be seeing her once a week to start. Now, once she asks to be your girlfriend (her idea, not yours), you can slowly increase the amount of time you spend with her.
As for confessing feelings, giving gifts,, doing favors and the like – that can only start to happen once she’s your girlfriend. It’s not that I have a cold heart, or that I think giving gifts and flowers is wimpy, it’s just that when you do it too soon, you only give her the #2 feeling.
And she only wants a #1 feeling guy!
Remember guys, the FASTEST way to get a woman to fall in love with you, is to go SLOW.